Islamic State have confirmed their interest in signing Sunderland winger Adam Johnson following the collapse of a proposed move to Oldham Athletic.
The caliphate, extremist, has been keeping close tabs on Johnson ever since news broke yesterday that he had been arrested on suspicion of having sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, ISIS supremo Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi declared himself to be “very impressed” by Johnson’s obvious knack for recruiting young talent.
He said: “I’m very impressed by Adam Johnson’s obvious knack for recruiting young talent.
“As soon as we heard that the Oldham deal was off the cards – apparently they decided against it after reviewing footage of him playing football – we made our interest known straight away.
“We’re running out of attractive jihadist fighters to lure teenage girls to Syria with, so who better to step up the recruitment drive than a Premier League footballer?
“He’s played for England so he’s obviously a wrong ‘un, and I look forward to receiving the fruits of his labours at an Istanbul bus station sometime in the near future.”
He added: “By the way, I may be the leader of a violent rebel group hell bent on inducing the apocalypse, but even I’m a little appalled by your decision to publish such an insensitive article as this.
“You’re basically making light of some pretty disturbing events. You call this journalism? You’re not journalists.
“In fact, so void are your journalistic credentials that Jihadi John would probably sooner spoon you than execute you.
“Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.”
Our lawyers were unavailable for comment as they were busy banging their heads repeatedly against a wall somewhere.