Moussa Sissoko has offered a lap dance to France manager Didier Deschamps in case he missed Tottenham’s 1-1 Champions League draw at Real Madrid.
The midfielder excelled alongside Serge Aurier down Spurs’s right-hand side but is concerned that his national team coach might not have been watching.
Upcoming Premier League fixtures against Liverpool, Man Utd and Arsenal offer Sissoko further chances to impress, although he has confirmed he intends to play like a drunkard against Crystal Palace.
He said: “If Didier missed me lighting up the Bernabéu then I’m more than happy to come round and lap dance for him, possibly while juggling and reciting ‘I am the very model of a modern major general’.
“I’d like him to know there are some big Premier League fixtures coming up, so I imagine I’ll probably play like a total beast for those.
“But Didier, if you’re listening, please don’t watch the Crystal Palace game – I’ll be hitting the Kronenbourg pretty damn hard the night before.”
Omen thought to signify something "bloody important".
Preferably premium lagers.