“Delighted” Moyes announces first rubbish & inconsequential January signing

A delighted David Moyes got his January transfer business up and running with the capture of Joleon Lescott as he seeks to overhaul his squad with “rubbish and inconsequential” signings.

The Sunderland manager spoke out last week to condemn any incoming players as “extremely unlikely to be good enough even to make me breakfast, let alone save us from relegation”.

In a move widely interpreted as Moyes attempting to carve out a post-management career as a motivational speaker, the Scotsman has spent the whole season shrugging and saying “what’s the point?” when asked how he plans to turn around his struggling side’s fortunes.

Lescott, whom he managed at Everton, will provide cover at centre-half as well as help less experienced team-mates implement any particularly ostentatious Instagram posts they might want to make.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Lescott outlined his intention to provide a valuable service to the club’s youngsters.

He said: “Every now and then as a Premier League player you want to show off a picture of your flash new motor to your legions of online followers.

“The problem with that is that you get pelters if you happen to lose 6-0 at home the same day, so I’ve been asked to instruct some of the younger players on how to blame it all on your arse pocket.

“As he already mentioned before he’d even approached me to sign, the gaffer knows I’m totally finished as a top-flight footballer.

“So that should stand me in good stead for getting regular minutes at Sunderland.”