Chelsea have announced they will boycott the Champions League quarter-finals in response to Theresa May’s expulsion of Russian diplomats.
Mounting tensions between the UK and Russia have prompted the retaliatory measure from Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, which has been met with confusion by the football community.
Abramovich has also confirmed he will fight tooth and nail to stop the club being forced into public ownership in the event of London-based Russian assets being seized.
He told Football Burp: “We have informed UEFA of our decision and they have agreed not to include us in the draw for the quarter-finals.
“Nevertheless, we will be sending two spies – Mohamed Salah and Kevin De Bruyne – to monitor the situation.”
England have since announced they will be boycotting the knockout stage of the World Cup.
"He doused me in half a pint of phlegm asking the way to Fazakerley," claims one.
Breathtaking magic trick softens blow of Champions League exit.