All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…
— Ryan Babel (@RyanBabel) May 2, 2012
Hello Ryan, and indeed all of you! It’s been a strange week of football, hasn’t it? Cardiff City’s owners want to change the team’s colours from blue to red, Andy Carroll is suddenly the favourite to lead the line for England at the Euros, and Whitby Town defender Mark Robinson laid bare his inability to separate computer games from real life…
I was watching my son playing Super Mario earlier when suddenly he was killed by one of those giant turtles,Now I don’t have a son.
— Mark Robinson (@robboma3) May 2, 2012
LOL! Don’t worry Mark, I’m sure the little ‘un is still pottering about somewhere! Looks like Jordan Stewart is another who’s been skirting the fine line between reality and make-believe…
— Jordan Stewart (@jordanstewart3) May 2, 2012
Funny you should say that Jordan, because the other night I dreamt that I was launching a clothing label with Joleon Lescott after being released by Millwall. I thought that was pretty weird until I saw this twit of yours, so fair enough – I look forward to the dream where I play for Skoda Xanthi alongside Nathan Ellington! Anyway, gather round folks, Norwich City midfielder Elliott Bennett’s talking about going to the cinema…
Looking forward to cinema now! People seem to like it. Nothing worse than going and the film is rubbish.
— Elliott Bennett (@Ebenno88) May 9, 2012
It’s true that people do seem to like going to the cinema – as far as I know, it really started to take off around the beginning of the 20th Century, when Edwin S. Porter’s twelve-minute masterpiece The Great Train Robbery started screening at the first purpose-built movie theatres – but I can’t agree with your assertion that there’s nothing worse than going and the film is rubbish. I’d argue that it’s much worse to not score in fourteen games for West Ham United, or for your son to be killed by a giant turtle. I’m sure Everton captain Phil Neville would back me up here.
“@chris_c4hill: hey bro im thinking raincoat and umbrella really good tip bro from a good man lexis hero each way 3.05pm raceThanks bro
— phil neville18 (@fizzer18) May 9, 2012
I went through a spell of calling people bro a lot. Patrik Berger seemed to find it pretty cool, at least at first, but it all came to a bit of a head when I tried to apologise to Dominic Matteo for a misplaced pass and he span around and, in front of everyone, screamed, “I’m not your f**king bro, bro!” right in my face. In retrospect, I think I lost the dressing room there. Still, at least I’ve never done this…
— Leroy Bohari-Lita (@LeroyLita8) May 9, 2012
LOL! Well, I did once try frying an egg on an east London pavement during the European heatwave of 2003, but I just ended up with egg on my face, so to speak. We all have our egg-shaped crosses to bear, Leroy. Anyway, who likes to laugh?
When Heskey retires he will open up a pub, because he’s great at putting shots over the bar !
— Russ Williams (@RussComic) May 1, 2012
State of this camel toe twitter.com/Robbie9Fowler/…
— robbie fowler (@Robbie9Fowler) May 3, 2012
LOL! Nice one, bro!
When I say “I’ll think about it”…. I really mean, “I’ll forget about it completely until you bring it up again.”
— Ryan Babel (@RyanBabel) May 3, 2012
So that’s why you didn’t get back to me about my screenplay idea – “Two Lads Who Shook the Kop at Various Times in the Last Ten Years”. It’s a hit, I tell you.
Nearly had to slap the wife! Bringing me chocolate ice cream when she knows I don’t like it! I’m rum n raisin all the way!!!! #fixupwifey
— Jermaine Jenas (@jjenas8) May 3, 2012
С праздником Великой Победы!!! Здоровья и долголетия ветеранам! Спасибо вам и низкий поклон!
— DiniyarBilyaletdinov (@Bilyaletdinov25) May 9, 2012
The boss just called me mike Tyson. Whole squad laughing Banter
— Emmanuel Y Frimpong (@Frimpong26AFC) May 9, 2012
Gerard Houllier once called me Mike Tyson, but I think he did actually think I was Mike Tyson. Fair’s fair, we were both pretty sozzled, and I had just bitten Vegard Heggem’s ear.
— phil neville18 (@fizzer18) May 3, 2012
David Moyes? LOL! Only joking, Phil!
This getting the kids to bed at the same time is no joke! All messing around + thinking its play time…that’s the parents by the way!
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) May 3, 2012
LOL! Rio, I keep telling you, you should move into stand-up. Those England ‘merks’ only hinted at your comedy potential – this twit, though, is worthy of Michael McIntyre himself. I can’t give any higher praise than that. What do you think, Kiernan Hughes-Mason, recently of Grimsby Town?
My nephew is rapping and goes to me ‘ don’t talk to me about dancing I’ll leave you bubbly bubbly and migraine skanking’
— Kiernan Hughes-Mason (@K_HughesMason) May 3, 2012
No? I’ll try you again later, Kiernan. I’ll leave you all with this gem of a juxtaposition that appeared on my Twitter timeline. Enjoy…
LOLOLOLOLOL! Have a good weekend, everybody!