Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings. Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Noel Hunt
The Reading forward had only just finished one gruelling workout before anticipating his next one…
Just finished a monster Quads,Back and Arms session with @byrnerichieb Legs like rubber now!! But a great session!! Role on the next one!!
— Noel hunt (@boyhunt) May 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Unless you’re a WWE wrestler or a full-throttle pervert, you shouldn’t be combining role-play with such strenuous activity. Come on, Noel; your role is that of an example to youngsters, not something you put your bacon in. Pull your socks up I say, lest your more homophone-savvy team mates, no doubt still giddy with promotion, start calling you “Role Hunt”, or perhaps even “LOL Hunt”. You have been warned.
Jody Morris
The St. Johnstone midfielder was being controversial again…
Haha I see not everyone agree’s with my views on a few people!!
— jody morris (@morriskid) May 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You can say what you like about anyone or anything as far as I’m concerned, former Chelsea and Leeds United man Jody Morris, as long as you do so with correct apostrophe usage. Your outspoken views? Fair enough, you’re entitled to them. Your unwillingness to check with me about matters of grammar that evidently elude you? Now that’s something I cannot agree with.
Patrick van Aanholt
The young Chelsea left-back, on loan at Dutch side Vitesse Arnhem, was checking up on everyone’s plans for the day…
Whats everyone Up to this Afternoon …
— Patrick van aanholt (@PvanAanholt_) May 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Correcting your grammar, young man. I can just about stomach the omission of an apostrophe from “what’s” on the grounds that Twitter is by its very nature a breeding ground of abbreviation, but I cannot choose to ignore your frankly bizarre decision to capitalise “up” and “afternoon” in this instance. I’ll tell you what’s up, Patrick; an afternoon in detention!
Leon Knight
The also-outspoken Glentoran striker
Coming like ” Nathan ” the singersold he’s soul for another shot at the limelight Illuminati !!
— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) May 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says…Leon, are you by any chance referring to the novelist, playwright, composer and experimental performing artist Nathan Singer? If not, then I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re on about. I do however know what I’m on about, so take it from me that still not knowing the difference between his and he’s is a poor second to selling out, which incidentally I defy you to prove that the esteemed Mr Singer has even done.
U don’t want me to reply to u cos I’ll fully mortal kombat u ……. FINISH HIM !! If u have known me from way back u know what I’m about
— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) May 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Please can we just for once have a conversation without you bringing up Mortal Kombat? We shall speak later.
Darren Huckerby
Finally, congratulations to Cougar Events for this clear, brief and relevant instruction as to how Darren Huckerby might have better made himself understood…
Well done folks, got threw as many as I could, need to bang out some weights now
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) May 9, 2012
@hucks6dh6 through
— cougar events (@cougarnorwich) May 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Unless of course Darren was actually thrown things as part of his workout, perhaps balls to juggle simultaneously, albeit he would still have used the wrong tense.
Well, I best be off; court appearance to prepare for and whatnot. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!