All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…
Hello everybody! Up to anything nice?
Just chillin now listening 2 azonto music
— Steven Pienaar (@therealstevenpi) July 10, 2012
That’s great, Steven! I myself am a great fan of Ghanaian dance. In fact, I used to deploy the odd move to help me shimmy my way past eagle-eyed defenders. Remember my famous winner at Highbury during my Liverpool days? That was basically this…
Every now and then I practice it in the mirror and think, “What if…?”
“You’ll be a dancer, son.” That’s what my old man used to say. Very few other people called me “son” – my mother, of course, and the elder Liverpool and West Ham fans. The young ones all called me, respectively, “lad” and “me ol’ China”. Only the latter then did a jaunty little skip and clicked their heels. At least they didn’t keep asking if they could “mind” my car every five seconds. I wonder what that was all about.
What are you up to, joint-chairman of West Ham United David Gold?
Im on my way to Boreham Wood FC
— David Gold (@DavidGoldWHU) July 10, 2012
Great place! However, I hear that Soccer AM presenter Max Rushden is holidaying in style…
Who’s in new York?
— Max Rushden (@maxrushden) July 9, 2012
Dunno. Lou Reed? Any ideas, former Germany midfielder Dietmar Hamann?
— Didi Hamann (@DietmarHamann) July 10, 2012
Of course, “N.Y. State of Mind”! Good shout, Dietmar. Any ideas how Brendan Rodgers has been settling in as manager of your former club Liverpool?
Hello? Er…how about you, Paul Dalglish?
I have just seen the pic of BR in Garlands! Well my mind works in mysterious ways. I asked myself would an old LFC manager go there? I now..
— Paul Dalglish (@pauldalglish) July 12, 2012
LOL! That reminds me of the time when…
..have a pic in my mind of a shirtless Rafa with sunglasses on tearing it up on a sweaty dance floor next to a painted man on stilts!
— Paul Dalglish (@pauldalglish) July 12, 2012
Oops, sorry Paul – didn’t mean to butt in early and mess up your punchline. How do you see Rodgers faring in the Anfield hot seat?
If we can keep our best players and keep them fit I am really intrigued to see how he executes his vision.
— Paul Dalglish (@pauldalglish) July 10, 2012
I once had to execute my vision, but then I was tripping balls on acid at the time. I had hallucinated a half-unicorn half-slug that was trying to eat me, so I imagined up a harpoon and laid that beast to rest.
— Ishmael Miller (@IshmaelMiller) July 12, 2012
I know, right?
Getting the last chocolate digestive out of the packet is like giving birth to a frisby!
— Mark Robinson (@robboma3) July 10, 2012
LOL! Been there, buddy.
Er, the digestive thing, that is. Although I did once manage to consume and subsequently pass a whole Ryvita. That hurt all the way down.
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s spelt ‘frisbee’, by the way.
LOL! He’s always watching, you know!
How nice is sneezing btw
— Jack Saville (@JackSaville) July 11, 2012
Well, it beats passing a Ryvita, that’s for sure. LOL!
The other day someone told me that a sneeze is one tenth of an orgasm. I said, “Come again?” I’m not much of a comedian.
Every male is not a man
— Zak Ansah (@ZakAnsah) July 10, 2012
Holly LOL #GeordieShore
— Billy Clifford (@Bclifford47) July 10, 2012
They do gelato very well in Italy. Tough to find cheese and onion though lockerz.com/s/223905861
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) July 10, 2012
Oh Gary, your crisps make me so fat!
La ultima vez que agarre una bici fue en mi barrio y ahora en Seefeld para ir y volver del entreno al hotel jeje twitter.com/aguerosergioku…
— Sergio Aguero (@aguerosergiokun) July 9, 2012
What 2 eat 2night ? ….. I know let’s have Chicken AGAIN… 4 a change !
— Dion Dublin (@DionDublinsDube) July 9, 2012
I luuuuuurrrrvvvveeee chicken yfrog.com/g043524157j
— Carlton Cole (@CarltonCole1) July 11, 2012
Hahahaha “@ItsTalkingTed: My penis is so polite. It stands up so ladies can sit down”
— Wayne Routledge (@WayneRoutledge) July 10, 2012
Not having that on here, Wayne. You may think me a prude but please take your smut elsewhere. Everyone’s just trying to have a nice clean LOL! here.
However, SSN’s Jim White is no Bradley Wiggins on the bike! – twitter.com/LoveVeloCyclin…
— Ed Chamberlin (@skysports_ed) July 9, 2012
LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! See you soon, guys!