Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Leon Knight
The much-travelled former Chelsea striker was following developments in the John Terry/Anton Ferdinand race trial…
So the professional lip reader said he said it but the trail is still going on …. What more is to be proven? LOL
— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) July 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I remain unconvinced as to the reliability of lip-reading in this particular capacity, but one thing that leaves little room for doubt is correct spelling, Leon! Since you are now without club, you might want to arrange a trial of your own somewhere or other.
So I’m up to date now with this trail & my verdict on it is It’s a complete joke “2500 fine”That’s like saying its ok to say such things
— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) July 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You are leaving quite the trail of misspelt trials here. Chortle! I agree with you that the fine is a joke. John Terry once called me a “pernickety rapscallion” on the pitch – I held my tongue then but I feel I must now come forward about the matter.
He could struggle to pay that 2500 quid anyway.And that’s the realist tweet I EVER tweeted
— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) July 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Leon, a realist is defined as “one who is inclined to literal truth and pragmatism”. Within the confines of your patois I shall assume that what you meant to write was ‘realest’, but even that would be contestable on the grounds that ‘most real’ appears to be the acceptable face of this particular expression. However, I shall accept that ‘realest’ has not been given the red underline treatment upon my writing of it, so I shall afford you this miniscule benefit of doubt. (Intriguingly, ‘miniscule’ has been underlined!)
Apostolos Vellios
Everton’s young Greek centre-forward was celebrating a fine international victory…
We beat and Portugal #proudgreek uefa.com/under19/season…
— vellios apostolos (@tolisvellios) July 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… This reminds me of Tim Lovejoy’s erstwhile insistence on referring to Leicester City as “…and Leicester” on the Soccer AM televisual strand. That was a mediocre attempt at humour, whereas I suspect you are just wrong here, young Apostolos. Nevertheless, congratulations!
Jos Hooiveld
Southampton’s Dutch centre-back weighed in with a film recommendation…
Intouchables! What a movie!
— jos hooiveld (@joshooiveld20) July 10, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I think you’ll find that should be The Untou…what’s that? Oh. My producer’s just told me that it is in fact The Intouchables. Can anybody furnish me with contact information for either or both of the film’s directors Olivier Nakache and Éric Toledano? I have quite l’os to pick with them.
George Thorne
The young West Bromwich Albion midfielder was presumably referring to something or other…
the good one’s go.. so you should go
— George Thorne (@GeorgeThorne29) July 10, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You should go too, young George – back to school, that is. Chortle! That was an unnecessarily barbed way of saying that you don’t use an apostrophe to illustrate plurality.
Nile Ranger
Newcastle United’s controversial young forward was in philosophical mood…
Love dont cost a thing
— Nile ranger (@NilePowerRanger) July 10, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Neither does correct grammar, young Nile.
Aaron McCarey
The young Wolverhampton Wanderers goalkeeper was in some discomfort…
Serious headache!!its to clammy
— Aaron McCarey (@mccareyA1) July 10, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Quite aside from the unnecessary lack of spacing and the apostrophe missing from it’s – it’s a contraction of it is, you see, whereas its indicates the possessive – your deployment of to rather than too would seemingly have you trying to convey that Clammy is a mistakenly uncapitalised pronoun to whom or to which you are sending or even dedicating your headache. Too expresses excessiveness, and indeed similarity/solidarity (as in “I have a headache too”), whereas to expresses motion in a particular direction, albeit it has several other uses too. If this is all getting too confusing, try paying a visit to toortoo.com – tell them Jermaine Pedant sent you.
Geoff Thomas
The former Crystal Palace and England midfielder believes himself not to have noticed a rather intriguing-sounding tweet…
Can’t remember @LeeDixon2 tweeting about getting his backside kicked by Graham Le Soux. Must of missed that.
— Geoff Thomas (@GeoffThomasGTF) July 10, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Graham Le Soux? Why, surely you mean Graeme Le Saux! Discerning gentleman that he is, I’m sure the former Blackburn Rovers and Chelsea left-back would not be too pleased about this botched spelling of his name. Furthermore, it’s must have, not must of. This is something of a bugbear of mine, but I do thank you for inadvertently prompting me to research the origin of the word ‘bugbear’, for I was hitherto unaware of this.
Joey Barton
The controversial Queens Park Rangers midfielder was in sarcastic mood…
In other news, what a tragedy for the British public. The one and only undisputed king of morning radio has left his thrown. Moyles…
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I think you’ll find that should be ‘throne’, Joseph.
Sorry “throne” not thrown. BIG TYPO there, don’t always spell correctly when trying to be ironic…
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Correct.
There are quite a lot of (how do we say it and remind civil) sad trolls out there. Has life treated u that badly. Do u have to get angry…
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That should be ‘remain civil’, not ‘remind civil’.
…at a typo. Really? Instead of trawling twitter, looking for people who have applied themselves and worked hard to achieve to abuse. Why..
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s my job, Joseph.
..not go to the nearest mirror, look in it and ask yourself, “Why am I this sad and angry?” “Why do I need to project onto someone i see on
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… The division of these two questions into two separate pairs of quotation marks would indicate to me that some manner of internal conversation is taking place here. Are you okay, Joseph?
..tv?” If you just stop looking at what others are doing wrong and concentrate on yourself, life will be easier. Trust me. Have a Good day x
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… What did you capitalise ‘good’? Perhaps the rarity of good days this summer has opened it up to branding? Chortle!
It’s just Twitter. It’s on ur phone or computer. It’s not the real world.Go out have dinner, talk to other humans, interact socially. Dweebs
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s far too early for dinner, Joseph, although I do have a keen eye on lunch as the time creeps ever closer to 1pm.
Don’t know if I can be bothered with this anymore. Interacting with dullards take its toll. A period of reevaluation for me I think…
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Joseph…come on, hey, Joseph…oh heck, I better deal with this.
Class dismissed!