Dimitri Payet not entirely satisfied at West Ham somehow

Everyone baffled.

Dimitri Payet isn't happy at West Ham United
DISCONTENTED: Dimitri (Image: Egghead06)

Dimitri Payet is somehow unfulfilled by life at West Ham United, according to his stunning latest confessional in the French media.

Speaking to the Le Monde du Foot Journal Sportif du Pont d’Avignon 1664 publication, Payet let fly with the shocking admission that stultifying wars of attrition against Hull and Burnley weren’t quite what he’d had in mind for his peak playing years.

The news will come as a hammer blow to Slaven Bilić’s, er, Hammers, whose hopes of qualifying for the Intertoto Cup were left in tatters when they were reminded that it hasn’t existed since 2008.

In further cause for bafflement, Payet revealed that he’d rather be showcasing his Gallic flair for Arsenal than for a side that resolutely insists on playing its top goal-scorer at right-back.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Andy Carroll urged Payet to remain at the Olympic Stadium.

He said: “If I was actually anywhere near the box, I’d really miss his quality service.

“It would be a hypothetical disaster for my imagined goal tally if Dimitri were to leave.

“Although I’m pretty sure I just ruptured my Achilles tendon strings midway through that last sentence, so now it’s academic on a whole other level.”

When contacted for comment, Bilić just shrugged and croaked a lot.