Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Townsend, Bennett, Stockdale, Lineker and more!

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Andros Townsend

The Queens Park Rangers winger, on loan from Spurs, was following the dramatic events of the final round of League One fixtures…

Wow unbelievable scenes in the brentford and donny games! #thatsfootball

— andros townsend(@andros_townsend) April 27, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It was the same game: they played each other. One game, do you see?

Good morning, class. I trust you all remembered to wash behind your ears? Then let us continue.

David Stockdale

The Hull City goalkeeper, on loan from Fulham, was commending his Manchester United counterpart…

Got to say de gea has showed some character to price critics wrong! Well done to him!

— David Stockdale (@stockogk1313) April 22, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… How does one go about pricing critics, and why do you consider it a show of character to go about this task incorrectly?

I do appreciate that David’s message was scuppered by a predictive text mishap, but my present sullen mood fuels an irritation at the widespread disinclination to check what’s been written before posting.

Since you ask, prospective employers remain unforthcoming; I fear that Stoke City’s sudden beeline for safety since cutting me loose has somewhat weakened my bargaining position.

Gary Lineker

The Match of the Day and Walker’s Crisps main man had been watching the night’s Champions League football…

Bayern Munich have been as exceptional, as Barcelona have been poor.

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) April 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While I am in excessively pernickety mood, I should point out that Gary’s use of a comma here is not just unnecessary but downright erroneous.

You might say that I am as exceptional at correcting grammar as Gary is at flogging salty snacks to impressionable schoolchildren.

Will Hughes

The Derby County youngster had also been watching the footy…

Counter attacking football at it’s best.

— Will Hughes (@willhughes44) April 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Grammar at its worst.

See me.

Elliott Bennett

The Norwich City midfielder…yes, you guessed it…

Wow! Wow! Wow! Bayern have given the World a master class in how to beat arguably one of the best teams to play the game! #unbelievable

— Elliott Bennett (@Ebenno88) April 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It was hardly a fiendish plot – “hey, let’s just go out and batter them 4-0” – and this “master class” would hardly have been of use to any clubs without the standard of personnel necessary to emulate it, which would be approximately 99.9% of clubs.

I realise that this is not a matter of grammar, but as I like to say: pedantry waters all of life’s fields.

Furthermore, ‘world’ should not be capitalised here. You’d capitalise Earth for it is its name and therefore a pronoun; ‘world’, however great its implication, is merely a noun.

Jake Jervis

The Elazığspor striker was feeling remorseful…

I am defiantly guilty of this when I was a young teenager!! ?? My bad momma ?? twitter.com/JJervis20/stat…

— Jake ‘Mario’ Jervis (@JJervis20) April 25, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While your failure to do the dishes may constitute ‘defiance’ in your book, I somewhat doubt that this is what you meant to write here.

‘Defiantly’ and ‘definitely’ are spelt and pronounced differently, and mean different things. As such, I fail to see why so many footballers have so much trouble with this one.

If you haven’t learned the difference by next week’s lesson, I shall definitely see fit to punish your defiance with no little detention.

Rohan Ricketts

The Club Deportivo Quevedo midfielder had news of an instance of poor control during the 2-2 draw between Wigan Athletic and Tottenham Hotspur…

I think I just saw the worse touch ever in football from Kyle Walker. A 15 yard piece if mess. Hilarious. #CmonSpurs

— Rohan Ricketts (@RohanRicketts) April 27, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… …whereas I just saw the worst attempt to formulate a comparative adjective ever in the field of learning from Rohan Ricketts.

What does “a 15 yard piece if mess” mean? I find this garbled nonsense anything but hilarious.

See me.

Star Pupil: Bernard Mensah

The Watford youngster was correcting his fellow Hornets prospect Tommie Hoban…

heartbrake for brentford!

— Tommie Hoban (@tommiehoban05) April 27, 2013

“@tommiehoban05: heartbrake for brentford!” Grammar is poor Flame!! It’s ‘heartbreak’ lad!!

— Mensah Jr (@Mensah_23) April 27, 2013

@mensah_23 loool that’s so poor from me!

— Tommie Hoban (@tommiehoban05) April 27, 2013

@tommiehoban05 I expected more from you bud!! Thought you were that A-Level student!

— Mensah Jr (@Mensah_23) April 27, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Well done, young Bernard. Would you be interested in becoming my protégé? In the mean time, have a house point.

Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!