Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Queens Park Rangers defender was hitting back at his critics…
We do are best every week,what I get payed has nothing to do with any of you,as for my price tag I didn’t put a price on my head,grow up pls
— Samba Christopher (@cs4christsamba1) April 1, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… You may very well consider yourself to have been giving your best out there on the pitch, Christopher, but if you can’t distinguish between such basic homonyms as ‘our’ and ‘are’ then your academic work leaves much to be desired.
Furthermore, ‘payed’ would represent the past tense of ‘pay’ as in “to seal the deck or seams of a wooden ship with pitch or tar to prevent leakage”. Presumably you meant ‘paid’ as in ‘remunerated’, but I should be most inclined to learn more if this was not in fact your intention.
The Tottenham Hotspur winger was basking in Saturday’s 2-1 win at Swansea City…
— Aaron Lennon(@Aaron7Lennon) March 30, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… If you were to say “the boys worked them there socks off” while affecting a regional accent of some sort, I should not so much as bat an eyelid. As it is, I can only assume that you meant to write “the boys worked their socks off”, and as such I have taken it upon myself to appropriate your tweet as a simple mnemonic:
The boys worked their socks off out there, and as such they’re fully deserving of any plaudits coming their way.
Do you see?
The West Bromwich Albion midfielder was apologising for getting sent off in the 3-1 defeat at West Ham United for kicking the ball at Gary O’Neil…
I’m Really sorry about what I happen this afternoon it doesn’t look like me.not a good exemple for the Kids and all the WBA’s supporter…
— Youssouf Mulumbu (@mulumbuofficial) March 30, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It wasn’t a good example to set, Youssouf – no quibbles there – but this tweet merely serves to hasten your fall from grace as a role model.
a) The word ‘really’ is not a pronoun in this instance and therefore should not be capitalised.
b) You cannot use the word ‘happen’ in that context – and even if you could, you should have used the past participle ‘happened’.
c) For ‘kids’, see ‘really’.
d) West Brom have more than one supporter.
This has been a far from vintage weekend for you, Youssouf.
The Celtic midfielder was trying to say something Easter-related…
Not sure who more chocolate these days me or my galaxy Easter egg
— Scott Brown (@ScottBrown8) March 30, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… At least I could tell what Youssouf was trying to say. What on Earth are you banging on about, Scott?
In purely grammatical terms, you are of about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Perhaps this is what you were trying to say?
See me after the lesson.
The Whitby Town defender was also had an Easter-related observation…
Me and Jesus have a lot in common.We both like getting hammered on Friday and waking up on Sunday.
— Mark Robinson (@robboma3) April 1, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Most amusing, Mark, but that should be “Jesus and I”.
The York City midfielder, on loan from Sunderland, was ruing an opportunity lost…
Ahhhh should of won today !!!
— Adam Reed (@Adam_Reed4) March 30, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Ahhhh should have deployed the third conditional correctly.
Matt Le Tissier
The former Southampton forward had taken an incriminating photo of his Soccer Saturday colleague Jeff Stelling…
— Matt Le Tissier (@mattletiss7) March 30, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… No, but perhaps he’s fallen off it?
Please give Jeff my regards – he’s one of the finest autocue readers I’ve ever had the pleasure of personally tutoring.
Now I must take my leave, for there remains a worrying lack of suitors for my playing services. At this stage, I must confess that a full-time move into the world of academia strikes as an appealing option. Class dismissed!