Transfer deadline day will go ahead as planned after the Trump administration declined to pass any batsh*t crazy executive orders banning it, we can confirm.
In a shock diplomatic move, the White House informed Theresa May that the UK may proceed with its biannual ceremony of desperate last-minute scrambles for signatures.
The Prime Minister then relayed the news on to an ecstatic Jim White House, which marked the momentous occasion by releasing a cage full of carrier pigeons bearing messages of spurious bullsh*t.
Uncertainty surrounding deadline day had wreaked havoc on the nation’s workplaces, with a record low number of office tw*ts showing up this morning wearing yellow ties.
British clubs will now be free to spunk millions on ill-advised panic purchases in what is already being described as an historic escalation of the ‘special relationship’ between the US and UK.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, foreign secretary Boris Johnson remained philosophical.
He wibbled: “This is a fantastic achievement for our country, even if in return we had to agree to hand over every last inch of our NHS to American private capital.
“But frankly we were going to do that anyway, so just sit back and enjoy the yellow tickertape announcing a succession of Everton reserve players moving to Sunderland.”
He added: “[Something inscrutable in Latin].”