Sunderland’s wretched form has hit David Moyes so hard that he’s taken to hording former Everton players as a crazy old lady might do with cats, sources have confirmed.
The former Toffees boss is set to bring Darron Gibson and Bryan Oviedo to Wearside, adding to his existing collection of Joleon Lescott, Steven Pienaar, Victor Anichebe, Jack Rodwell and the club’s head chef Tony Hibbert.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp from deep within a tattered old armchair, a visibly stressed and erratic Moyes insisted no one could sack him if he was surrounded by Everton players.
Cradling Anichebe, he said: “Eleven years at Goodison, no one ever sacked me, not once.
“So it’s only reasonable to assume that my power will grow with each former Blue I bring in.
“Look at them as they play, albeit mostly hobbling. Magnificent creatures, aren’t they?
“You know, people say dogs are man’s best friend, but it’s actually Phil Neville.”
Leon Osman was unavailable for comment as he was backing nervously out of the front door.