Britain was still in a state of shock this morning after last night’s shock results at Everton and Manchester City, writes Guillaume Tilley-Mercer.
The results, shock, shook the nation to its very foundations as news filtered through of Crystal Palace’s shock 3-2 win and Sunderland’s shock 2-2 draw.
Respective scores of 8.2 and 9.3 on the shock-o-metre make these latest shock results some of the most shocking in what is already being described as “the shockiest Premier League season since the last one, or perhaps the one before it when City won it on goal difference, yeah that was pretty shock”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Alan, a 32-year-old butcher from Sevenoaks, declared himself both “shocked and saddened” by last night’s events.
He spaketh: “Stupid bloody shock results – my accumulator’s in tatters, my Fantasy Football team in ruins.
“That’s the last time I make Lukaku captain. How can he fail to score against either Sunderland and Crystal Palace in the same Gameweek?
“I’ll never catch Jim’s team now – jammy sod captained Jason Puncheon, he’s laughing all the way to the Fantasy points bank. If indeed such a thing exists.
“At least Agüero got an assist.”
Speaking exclusively to rival website Soccer Belch, Jim, a 35-year-old yoga instructor from Dartmouth, had differing views.
He roared: “I’m not that shocked – Palace had won three on the bounce, and Puncheon’s in the form of his life.
“I knew Martínez would flip out and play some whacky all-out-attack formation that would backfire spectacularly.
“Don’t ask me how, I just knew – and that’s why my Fantasy Football team is 112 points ahead of Alan’s.
“And that’s also why I’m talking to esteemed database and footballing tastemaker Soccer Belch, while Alan got lumbered with those two-bit hacks at Football Burp.
“It’s toilet seat journalism, it really is.”
Dave, a 33-year-old dentist from Lemington Spa, declined to comment.