Shakhter Karagandy sheep sacrifice replaced by pre-match kebab

“Please don’t ritually slaughter me,” it seems to be saying (Image: George Gastin)

It was to be the Shakhter Karagandy sheep sacrifice to end all Shakhter Karagandy sheep sacrifices – but it all ended, or rather started, in pitta pockets.

The Kazakh side, wacky, had maintained that they would not be dissuaded from staging their traditional pre-match ritual before last night’s Champions League play-off second leg tie against Celtic at Celtic Park.

However, they backed down when threatened with disciplinary action by UEFA, who may not have been best pleased about being stirred from their slumber by PETA’s persistent phone calls but decided in the end to “just go along with it”.

In the end – or rather the beginning – they settled for a round of lamb doners before crashing out of the competition to an injury time strike from James Forrest.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, UEFA president Michel Platini mumbled “quelle heure est-il?” before realising he had the phone the wrong way up.

He said: “I don’t know who Peter is or what he’s got against ritual animal slaughter.

“But we spoke to our lawyers about it and, in the end, we agreed that the situation could be upgraded from ‘nuisance’ to ‘face-saving exercise’.

“We told Shakhter Karagandy to stop knocking on every door in Parkhead asking if anyone had a live sheep they could ‘borrow’, and just play the bloody match without being loons about it.

“Peter seemed satisfied with that, so now I may return to my sleep.”

He added: “Bonsoir, tout le monde!”

Speaking through an interpreter, Shakhter Karagandy sheep rustler/first team manager Viktor Kumykov said that he and his team had enjoyed their visit to Scotland, and that they must stop by again soon to “machine gun some cattle or something”.