Cristiano Ronaldo has hit back at FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s ‘hairdresser’ jibe by delivering an impassioned soliloquy in a tremulous yet defiant tone of voice.
The Real Madrid star, groomed, was outraged when Blatter stated in an address to the Oxford Union that he preferred Lionel Messi on account of the Argentine’s more rugged complexion and paleolithic hygiene regimen.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Ronaldo cleared his throat, fixed his gaze, wiped off his manuka honey face mask and let rip with his most impassioned soliloquy to date.
He said: “The heart is capable of sacrifice. So is the hair.
“The heart is able to forgive and repair. It can change its shape to let us in. It can expand to let us out. So can the hair.
“It can ache for us and stretch for us, die for us and bleed and bleed us into this difficult, wondrous world.
“So can the hair. I was there in the room. I remember.”
At this point, Ronaldo ventured stage left to pour himself a drink from an imaginary whiskey decanter.
He continued: “That’s just a device to involve some physical action in the scene.
“A cigarette would also have sufficed. Now, where was I? Oh yeah.
“‘What’s wrong with you?’ I asked myself. ‘You are a happy person. You are an upbeat sort of person.
“‘Men sing your name at football stadiums, women ask you what shampoo you use. Cheer up for Christ’s sake,’ I told myself.
“‘Relax, you’re fine. Be happy, Crissie.’ When I talk to myself I call myself Crissie.”
In other news, Football Burp has become embroiled in a sexism row after using the word ‘girly’ to describe an impassioned soliloquy.
Burp was unavailable for comment as it was busy washing its hair.