Tottenham Hotspur have announced renovations to White Hart Lane that will see all supporters making way for tapes of people cheering.
The sound effects, boisterous, will also include a range of player-specific motivational slogans such as “you can do it, Jermain!”, “go get ’em, Gylfi!” and “run, Kyle, run!”.
Although the proposals have been met with the kind of widespread disgruntlement that customarily greets a misplaced Michael Dawson pass, they have been earmarked as “necessary and urgent” by Spurs boss Andre Villas-Boas.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the Portuguese fella proclaimed tapes of people cheering to be “the missing link between Tottenham and regular Champions League football”.
He said: “Did you hear the fans against Hull? I mean, what the f*ck was that sh*t?
“I swear at one point this guy dropped his pie and started castigating Vlad Chiriches for it. His face was purple with apoplexy.
“At least he was making some kind of noise – Steffen Freund had to go around the stands afterwards gently shaking people awake, receiving at least a dozen startled jabs for his troubles.
“Steffen incurred a fractured cheekbone and looks likely to miss this weekend’s game, so we’ll probably replace him with a scarecrow sat a few rows back with a Dictaphone jammed in its face repeating the words ‘yes, boss’ over and over.
“But yeah, I’ll be at the training ground all week if any of our fans want to come and find me for a fist fight or even a duel.
“I’ll take you all on, you ****s.”