Manchester City new boy Jack Rodwell says he couldn’t refuse a move from Everton once he saw the luxury subs’ bench facilities at Eastlands.
The benches, mahogany, are supplemented by leather massage chairs with built-in high-definition hologram capability, one of which Rodwell has already “bagsied” in anticipation of the epic Mad Men marathon he’s got planned for the 2012-13 season.
Speaking exclusively to someone else, Rodwell claimed that deep down he knew it was time to move on from the bean bag without any beans in it laid on for substitutes and background staff at Goodison Park.
He said: “I have a special relationship with the chairman – wotsisname, the bloke off Corrie – so it’s not without regret that I bid farewell to David Moyes’s cash-strapped Toffees.
“I trust that the ‘cut-price deals on reserve players for the next ten years’ clause shall be sufficient to tide over the mighty Blues – and who knows, perhaps one day I shall be one of those reserve players. One day real soon.
“Now it is for another breed of blue that I shall fight with valour to defend the honour of. Manchester City, huzzah!”
He said: “Like, y’know, to be fair, at the end of the day it’s a funny old game.”
Speaking exclusively to someone else – not the someone else from earlier, another someone else – Moyes was philosophical about Bill Kenwright wheelbarrowing the Rodwell money straight to various banks and London addresses.
He said: “Well, you know, ‘easy come, easy go’ and all that. I’m quite used to it now.
“It’s a bit like that little green alien that used to swoop in and snatch delicious food out of Fred Flinstone’s hands, or maybe that Daffy Duck one where the piles of cash keep disappearing before his very eyes.
“Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of cartoons lately. I’ve had to – half the first team squad are only young ‘uns and they’re much easier to control when they’re glued to the telly.
“Conor McAleny was really into Teletubbies for a while but Shane Duffy put his foot down as he finds it offensive to Irish people.”
Moyes added: “I’m not sure how he got it in his head that any of the Teletubbies are even remotely Irish, but that’s kids for you.”