Manchester City have decided to join UKIP after squandering a two-goal lead to draw 2-2 at CSKA Moscow last night, it has been confirmed.
The title chasers, loaded, announced that they were “sick to [their] back teeth of scrounging foreigners coming over here and taking our Champions League points – er, and of us going over there and having them taken off us”.
Seeking an “amicable divorce” from Europe and a conciliatory pint or twelve with self-styled beer-swilling everyman Nigel Farage, City will now be part of a group which ironically has enjoyed some recent success on the continent.
Retaining some trade agreements, most notably the right to stockpile as many international footballers as FFP will allow for, City’s new relationship with Europe is said to be comparable to that of Norway or Switzerland.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, City boss Manuel Pellegrini applauded UKIP’s newly established alliance with far-right Polish MEP Robert Iwaszkiewicz.
He said: “Everyone here at Manchester City thinks it’s a great move.
“Not because we’re into holocaust denial, flagrant misogyny or anything like that, you have to understand.
“We just admire the way Polish people turn their backs to the game and jump up and down with their arms round each others’ shoulders.”