Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from normal face-to-face conversation, with all future communications to be made via updated reissues of his autobiography.
The former Manchester United overlord, purple, shall cease everyday physical interaction with immediate effect and replace it with written addenda to his best-selling book, Hair Dryer: My Life in Yelling.
This week sees the release of a revised paperback edition in which Ferguson rejects any form of culpability for United’s woes under first his successor David Moyes and then Moyes’s successor Louis van Gaal.
Writing exclusively to Football Burp, Sir Alex Ferguson revealed that next week he shall publish an interactive DVD edition in which he asks his wife to pick up a copy of the Racing Post and a bottle of Glenfiddich on the way home from her embroidery class.
He penned: “I just thought, hold on, I could do this all the time.
“All those years spent bellowing at petrified players has really taken its toll on the old larynx, so why not just leave my book to do all the legwork while I sit back and watch the coffers swell ever further?
“Take this very letter, for example – it may be an exclusive for you now, but I should warn you that I plan to include it in a new hardback edition that slags off Roy Keane’s new book.”
Roy Keane’s book was unavailable for comment as it was working on a screenplay of itself starring Russell Crowe.