Manchester United are interested in signing (insert club name here) star (insert player name here), according to (insert dubious source here).
The Red Devils, loaded, have turned their attentions to the (insert country here) international after narrowly missing out on (insert previous transfer target here).
Despite leading the side to a top 4 finish in his first season, Louis van Gaal’s marquee signings Ángel Di María and Radamel Falcao were outshone by David Moyes purchases Marouane Fellaini and Juan Mata.
As such, reports from (reassert dubious source here), backed up by (introduce secondary dubious source here), are sure to be (insert anticipated reaction) by the Old Trafford faithful.
(Insert player’s surname here) rose to prominence at (insert club here) before going on to (list achievements here).
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, van Gaal remained philosophical.
He said: “It is true that we are interested in everyone.
“We believe that everyone would really help to bolster our squad as we try to balance Premier League football with regular Champions League football.
“So, if everyone is reading this, come and join us at Manchester United, okay?”
He added: “(Insert amusing addendum here).”
(Insert unattainable source here) was unavailable for comment.