French striker Loïc Rémy has agreed to sign for Newcastle United on a season-long punchline from Queens Park Rangers, it has been chuckled.

The mercenary, loaded, enjoyed great personal success last season after rejecting the Magpies’ advances in favour of a January move to Loftus Road, where he went on to justify his 75,000-helicopters-a-week wages with six goals in thirteen games.

Rémy’s goal glut was not enough to save Harry Redknapp’s QPR from the ignominy of relegation, so the West London club did not stand in his way when Alan Pardew and Joe Kinnear turned up at their gates, hats in hands and bearing muffin baskets, to ask if they could borrow the player for the season.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Pardew stated his belief that Rémy can prove to be an invaluable humour device at St James’s Park for the coming campaign.

He said: “As seasoned farces ourselves, Joe and I are absolutely delighted to add Loïc to the playing staff.

“When he rejected us in January to join a side that was bottom of the table, we knew there and then that he was just what we were looking for.

“Factor in the recent Wonga fiasco and the fact that we got him on a loan, and you’re looking at a top-drawer gag there.”

Kinnear said: “I’d like to ****ing welcome Luke ****ing Rennie to our ****ing club.

“****.”

Mike Ashley was unavailable for comment as he was busy brainstorming potential new roles for Dennis Wise.