Wales has been told to “stop bloody whining” by the larger portion of land mass immediately adjacent to it, according to reports.

The land mass, known as England to those who still actually care about such tribal distinctions – and, let’s face it, if you do then you’re probably a bad racist or something – was hitting back at claims made by the Welsh FA that using Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey as poster boys for Team GB is “tantamount to slapping every Welshman in the face with a glove with a brick in it, and drowning our children in poor quality premium lager”.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, England said: “I may only be a relatively small mass of land with a temperate maritime climate but I know a Negative Nancy when I hear one and little old Wales is really beginning to grind my gears.

“You’d think I was planning a full-scale invasion the way they’re banging on about it. It’s just a one-off bloody football team, for crying out loud, not the systematic dismantling of Welsh independence – after all, I know how much pride they take in that token and frankly outmoded ideal.

“Here we are at a time when whole nations are being brought to their knees by the world’s crumbling markets and people are taking to the streets in their millions out of a desperate desire to affect change, and all Wales bloody cares about is Plaid Cymru tea parties and bloody-mindedly denying its proximity – nay, actual attachment – to a mass of land upon which folk may speak differently but are on the whole up for a spot of progressive inclusivity, unless of course they read The Daily Mail or The S*n.

“You don’t hear Scotland and Northern Ireland moaning, do you?”

Scotland said: “Can James McFadden play? He’s got his own boots and shinnies.

“Erm…hello?”