Mathieu Flamini has confirmed he is to appeal referee Pedro Proença’s multiple decisions not to book him during Arsenal’s 1-0 Champions League qualifier second leg victory over Beşiktaş last night.

The Arsenal midfielder, reckless, was disappointed not to have been the recipient of one of the ten yellow cards issued by the Portuguese official, fearing that those who didn’t see the match might think he’d “gone soft”.

North London residents were sent into panic mode as the night sky reverberated with a deafening scraping sound emanating from the Gunners’ Emirates Stadium, described by one ear witness as being like “Howard Hughes dragging his insane fingernails down God’s own chalkboard”.

Police moved to calm locals by explaining over triple-amplified megaphones that it was merely the sound of Arsenal scraping through to the Champions League group stage – but there was renewed frenzy when word spread that there had been ten yellow cards shown and not one of them to Flamini.

As confusion reigned, shops were looted and passing lorries tipped over in what is already being described as a “mindless orgy of destruction”.

Speaking of mindless destruction, and exclusively to Football Burp, Flamini expressed his shock at inadvertently evading punishment.

He roared: “Calum Chambers got booked for walking onto the pitch, and I get nothing?

“It’s a joke – I was charging around like a lunatic out there. You all saw it.

“I won’t stand for it, no more than my victims can stand after I’ve ploughed my studs through their delicate shins with unnerving alacrity.

“Suffice it to say, I won’t rest until at least one of Mr Proença’s decisions not to book me has been overturned.”