Everton have identified animated infant Pebbles Flintstone as a replacement for the Chelsea-bound John Stones, we can exclusively reveal.
The Toffees, stuck, are expected to push through a deal for the beloved cartoon character minutes before the close of the transfer window on a season-long loan from Hanna-Barbera.
This will shortly be followed by the dual announcements of Stones’s £30m departure to Stamford Bridge and a bonanza new five-year deal for Tony Hibbert that’s already being described as “misguided”.
Of the Stones fee, £0.01 is expected to be paid up front with the remaining £29,999,999.99 contingent on a variety of performance-related triggers, including stipulated requirements for basic hygiene and correct grammar.
The initial 1p will be paid directly to Barnsley as per the terms of Stones’s current contract, while 70% of any future payments will be transported indirectly to Barnsley via The Great Gazoo.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Everton manager Roberto Martínez was fulsome in his praise for Pebbles Flintstone’s defensive abilities.
He said: “She can’t defend at all. I like that.
“What I find most incredible and phenomenal about her, though, is that she’s been around since the early 1960s without any perceptible signs of ageing.
“She reminds me of Gareth Barry in that respect, except for the bit about not ageing.”
The Spaniard also poured scorn on reports linking Bamm-Bamm Rubble with the club, explaining that Rubble was perfectly happy with his current club.