Fifa is investigating claims that remembrance poppies cast aside during England v Scotland were gathered up and used to manufacture a large batch of ineffectual heroin.

The Armistice Day match flaunted Fifa’s rules on political statements by displaying poppies on big screens, playing the Last Post and reenacting the final scene of Blackadder Goes Forth at half-time.

Both the English and Scottish Football Associations were charged over this flagrant disregard for Fifa-approved ethics, and reports of poor-quality heroin now doing the rounds will surely add to their woes.

Opportunistic heroin cooks are believed to have scooped up thousands of discarded poppies, apparently unaware that their paper constitution would offer little to no narcotic effect.

Scottish junkies have been up in arms over the bogus product, as have English post-industrial towns that like to denounce other English post-industrial towns as being “full of smackheads” despite themselves being positively heaving with bulgy-eyed dope fiends.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Darren, a heroin enthusiast from Swindon, remained philosophical.

He said: “I should be dribbling under a bridge somewhere right now, but this paper heroin is nothing if not ineffectual.

“Quite frankly it’s no way to honour those who sacrificed their lives.”