Arsène Wenger has managed to track down an actual specialist in failure and he will invite the expert to attend Man Utd v Arsenal on Saturday, we can confirm.

The Frenchman, French, wants José Mourinho to undertake a thorough examination alongside him after the match in what is already being described as a ‘fail-off’.

To raise the stakes yet higher, Wenger has proposed that the loser has to be the victor’s butler for a month.

He told Football Burp: “José says I’m the specialist in failure, but it turns out I can prove him wrong.

“Dr Stephen Alderton is head of failure studies at the University of Michigan and very much a leading figure in his field. The man knows failure inside out.

“I’ve invited him to the game so he can join us in the manager’s office afterwards and supervise a winner-takes-all fail-off.

“The stink of failure on José is pretty damn pungent right now, so I fancy my chances of making him my butler for a month.

“It should be a good contest on and off the pitch.”

Mourinho was unavailable for comment but he is believed to be drafting an excuse drawing attention to how thoroughly sick of experts everyone is these days.