Diego Costa has called time on his Chelsea career in order to concentrate on his long-running rivalry with Popeye.
The Brazilian Spain brute says he enjoyed his spell in England but now wants to focus on besting a neurotic sailor to win the heart of a distressingly underweight maiden.
He told Football Burp: “It’s been fun winning those Premier League titles and getting José Mourinho fired that one time.
“But now it’s time to resume competing for the affections of a woman I could snap in twain as easily as I could open a jar of pickles.
“Popeye’s been a worthy foe over the years but he’s bound to have been hit hard by the revelation that he was using performance-enhancing spinach.
“No formal agreement has been reached to terminate my contract at Chelsea but I’ve texted Antonio Conte a succession of ‘poo face’ emojis and I trust that should be sufficient.
“Atlético Madrid made a bid but their offer was rejected out of hand when they said they’d gladly pay Chelsea Tuesday for a Costa today.”