Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Liverpool left-back was writing after his side’s 2-0 defeat at Zenit St Petersburg…
On the plane ready for travel back to Liverpool. Very disappointed result we deserve More. Still the 2game in anfield…
— jose enrique sanchez (@jose3enrique3) February 14, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… I’m sure your professional anxiety will have been allayed somewhat by your goal in Sunday’s 5-0 win over Swansea City, Jose, but you have much to learn about constructing legible missives for your English-speaking followers.
See me after the lesson and I shall talk you through when and when not to capitalise, and how best to represent numbers in a sequence. However, if you pay careful attention to what I am about to say, we may not have to discuss the 2nd issue.
Anyone who doesn’t understand the subtle point I was making there must also come and see me.
The former Wales centre-forward was discussing the level of fan support for the man in the Anfield hot seat…
What are Liverpool fans saying then? Sounding like your not having Brendon rogers?I questioned sacking of king Kenny and got hammered..
— John Hartson (@JohnHartson10) February 14, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Are you still hammered, John? It would certainly go some way towards explaining your inability to correctly spell Brendan Rodgers’s forename and surname.
If you can successfully write out the name of Southampton’s new manager then I shall cheerfully withdraw the punitive measures I have in mind for you. Have a think about it then come and see me after the lesson.
The Aston Villa youngster was wowed by a Gareth Bale free-kick…
— Gary Gardner (@Gards38) February 14, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… For all that he can power in long-range shots at goal, I am yet to see your older brother scoring free-kicks with either the guile or regularity of Tottenham Hotspur’s Welsh star.
Furthermore, it’s spelt turbulence. If you were in fact on a plane during turbulence while constructing this tweet then I should give you the benefit of the doubt that your finger slipped.
Jan Aage Fjortoft
The former Swindon Town, Middlesbrough and Sheffield United striker was hobnobbing with former Manchester United goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel…
Watch out @pscmeichel1 Maybe Mourinho will come back and hunt you as Man City manager
— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) February 12, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Jose Mourinho as manager of Manchester City is undoubtedly a prospect that would concern Peter. The news that the Portuguese might also hunt him down should be quite the cause for consternation.
I trust, Jan, that you will at some point during your impending detention stop to consider how the above tweet has come back to haunt you.
The former Fulham, Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers striker was watching Chelsea progress to the FA Cup quarter-finals…
Demba BA’s face mask would probably do better in goal for Brentford …
— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) February 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Is the Chelsea striker a Bachelor of Arts? I didn’t know that.
Frivolity aside, see me.
@rodneymarsh10 You lostedCity the league title remember.
— Peter Smith(@MancPeter) February 12, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… As an elder statesman of the class, Rodney, you are obliged to correct your fellow man when necessary.
You singularly failed to do so here, and as such you have “losted (sic)” all of your break time for next week.
The Reading youngster had an upset tummy…
The worse belly ache!
— Aaron Tshibola (@AaronTshibola8) February 13, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Whose belly ache are you comparing it to?
Worst. Attempt at deploying a comparative adjective. Ever.
The former York City, Sunderland, Crystal Palace, Derby County, Birmingham City, Oxford United, Panionios, Stoke City, Darlington, Northampton Town and Hartlepool United striker watched Bale miss a sitter against Lyon…
Thank heavens #garethbale is human after all
— Marco Gabbiadini (@marco_ten) February 14, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… He did miss an open goal that cost him a hattrick against Newcastle United mere days before, you know.
I realise that this may not be a matter of grammar, but pedantry waters all of life’s fields.
Now I must take my leave, for my continued state of exile at the Britannia Stadium demands ever greater efforts towards reconciliation with Tony Pulis. Class dismissed!