Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Cazorla, Al-Habsi, Wabara, Shaw, Bullard

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Reece Wabara

The Manchester City starlet, recently on loan at Oldham Athletic, was illustrating his misfortune with a modern youth construct…

#thatawkwardmoment when you leave your iPhone 5 charger and no one around you has one :(

— Reece Wabara (@ReeceWabara) January 26, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Firstly, Reece, congratulations on your winning goal in the Latics’ thrilling FA Cup triumph over Liverpool at Boundary Park on Sunday. It was a fitting way to mark the final game of your loan spell and we were all very pleased for you.

However, I simply cannot abide your misappropriation of this admittedly catchy new construct (or, dare I say, ‘meme’). Might I suggest that you alter it to “#thatawkwardmoment when you mistake a relatively minor inconvenience for something that might legitimately be projected as an awkward moment when you recount it later via social media”? There is a chance that your forgetting an iPhone charger does indeed constitute an “awkward moment”, but it would require your specified company to place a frankly bizarre amount of stock in having one to hand at all times.

In conclusion: see me.

Santi Cazorla

The Arsenal midfielder stopped to reflect on the joy of good company…

Good moments with friend. twitter.com/19SCazorla/sta…

— Santi Cazorla (@19SCazorla) January 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Santi, you are with two other people there. Did you mean to write “good moment with friends”, or is one of the gentlemen flanking you not your friend? Perhaps Robert Pires, who would so mercilessly tease me for my studiousness back during my Arsenal days?

I do of course offer my sincere apologies on the off chance that you knew exactly what you were writing and were trying to send a veiled message to one of your companions in the tweeted photo. Clearly, the mart money is on Pires.

Patrick van Aanholt

The Vitesse Arnhem left-back, on loan from Chelsea, was getting in touch with former teammate Nicolas Anelka upon his loan move to Juventus…

@anelkaofficiel how are u my friend?

— Patrick van aanholt (@PvanAanholt_) January 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This demonstrates quite neatly the importance of punctuation: without a comma between the words ‘u (sic)’ and my, your tweet reads as if its inquiring as to how Nicolas came to be your friend.

“You were teammates at Chelsea” would be my forthright interjection. “That is the most likely root of your friendship.”

I’ve always wanted to be a writer.

Ali Al-Habsi

The Wigan Athletic goalkeeper had a message for the Latics’ supporters…

Big thanks to all our #wafc fans who came and cheered today.. We are so grateful for your continious support..

— Ali Al-Habsi (@AliAlhabsi) January 26, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Ali, you need to take your gloves off before tweeting, especially on dainty smartphones.

Otherwise you will continuously make schoolboy errors of the spelling variety, which as we all know leads to making schoolboy errors of the goalkeeping variety.

Jimmy Bullard

The former Fulham, Wigan Athletic, Hull City, Ipswich Town and Peterborough United midfielder was also expressing appreciation…

It’s not to late to all the new followers, I love you #JimmysDreamTeam

— Jimmy Bullard (@1JimmyBullard) January 21, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It’s not too late to swat up on your basic homonyms, either. Chortle.

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Rodney Marsh

The former Fulham, Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers striker was commenting on the Swansea City ball boy incident…

If Hazard would have done that to a GK during a match. Automatic red!!!

— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) January 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… The Swansea City Ball Boy Incident was a prog-rock band from the ’70s, wasn’t it?

That’s a brave attempt at what I like to call tensemanship there, Rodney, but a more eloquent version I think would have been: “If Hazard had done that…”

…as was Southampton starlet Luke Shaw…

I’m just giving my opinion , I’m not saying what hazard done is right because its not , but that ball boy new exactly what he was doing

— Luke Shaw (@Luke_shaw3) January 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Whereas if you >knew what you were doing, you would have know that would you did there is not right.

See me.

…and former Swindon Town and Manchester City midfielder Kevin Horlock…

It would of been funnier if the ballboy had just stood up holding the ball above his head so Hazard had to jump to try and get it….

— Kevin Horlock (@Kevinhorlock6) January 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It would have been better if you just hadn’t tweeted at all there, Kevin.

Wes Foderingham

The Swindon Town goalkeeper was confessing to habitually indulging in peculiar activities when unaccompanied…

im actually crazy, do the most random things when i,m alone haha

— Wes Foderingham (@wes_foderingham) January 22, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Are these ‘things’ done on a whim, as I’m strongly suspecting? If so, they are technically predetermined and therefore not random.

To establish a random course of action, you would have to draw one from a hat, play Pin the Tail on the Donkey and such and such.

Now I must take my leave, for my defensive teammates’ recent dip in form leads me to speculate that there may be an avenue back into Tony Pulis’s first team should I reinvent myself as a tough-tackling fullback. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!