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Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine Pedant: Rooney, Fabregas, Cisse, Jerome, McEachran, Mendieta

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Cesc Fabregas

The Barcelona midfielder was in buoyant mood after his side’s latest win…

We’ve got the 3 important points of today. Very happy to keep in front of La Liga. Come on!

— Cesc Fàbregas Soler (@cesc4official) September 22, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While it may not be graceful English, Cesc’s chosen phrasings here leave little room for confusion. Had he not spent eight of his 25 years in London then I’d be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

See me.

Wayne Rooney

The sidelined Manchester United forward was commending his former manager on a decade’s worth of sterling work…

Everton are playing brilliant. David Moyes has done some job over last 10 years

— Wayne Rooney (@WayneRooney) September 22, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This is most intriguing, Wayne, as I have gleaned from his interviews that the aforementioned Mr Moyes tends to deal with adverbs in much the same manner as you have here, especially when they pertain to regularity: “he’s not been playing regular”, and so on.

I can only assume that Sir Alex Ferguson has never seen fit to correct you, perhaps indicating a localised aversion for dealing with adverbs brilliantly.

Djibril Cissé

The Queens Park Rangers forward appeared to be anticipating something…

Ps i cant wait to be tuesday

— djibril cisse (@DjibrilCisse) September 22, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… May I ask, Djibril, exactly what constitutes being Tuesday? Or is the lack of capitalisation on Tuesday indicative of an alternative, non-proper noun form of which I remain unaware?

Some people have to learn to shut up and look at themself before talking about others

— djibril cisse (@DjibrilCisse) September 22, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… The legitimacy of ‘themself’ is the subject of some debate, but given the predominant modern tendency to use ‘they’ as a singular in reference to a person of an unspecified sex, I should be inclined to take the progressive approach and permit it.

Cameron Jerome

The Stoke City forward was offering a reward for anyone who returns a watch he left in hospital

If anyone finds or hands in my watch ill donate it too charity plus the amount I paid for it. Spire hospital … tmi.me/xcnzd

— cameron jerome (@camjerome10) September 21, 2012

That should be “I’ll” and “to charity”.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Come on, Cameron; we’ve been team mates long enough now for my incessant corrections to have rubbed off on you.

@reecewabara peak rather give it too charity but maybe someone less fortunate has picked it up I hope

— cameron jerome (@camjerome10) September 21, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Someone less fortunate than a suitably remunerated Premier League footballer? I should think you’ll get your wish, dear Cameron.

Hope there’s some good people left and someone hands my watch back in #gutted

— cameron jerome (@camjerome10) September 21, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Don’t be fooled by the lack of an s on the end of ‘people’, Cameron! The word entails the plural nevertheless, and as such you must hope that there are some good people left. Good luck in your quest.

On route to fifa 13 launch!

— cameron jerome (@camjerome10) September 24, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You might say you’ve made a bit of a faux-pas here, Cameron; it’s a French term, and therefore spelled en route.

Graeme MacGregor

The young St. Mirren midfielder was not best pleased about his own consciousness…

Day off and im awake.. #nightmare

— Graeme MacGregor (@graememacgregor) September 19, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… If you were indeed experiencing a nightmare then you would not be awake.

I accept that this is not a matter of grammar, “im” (sic) aside, but pedantry can and will flood the fields of more than just academia.

Josh McEachran

The Chelsea starlet, on loan at Middlesbrough, was bemoaning the human tendency to push things into the realms of indecency…

People have to take it one step to far!!!

— Josh McEachran (@JMcEachran20) September 19, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Young Joshua, you have the inverse version of Cameron’s inability to distinguish between ‘to’ and ‘too’; see me after the lesson and we shall discuss a combined activity that would rectify your respective grammatical inadequacies in one fell swoop.

Nile Ranger

The young Newcastle United forward had this advice…

Never let your emotions over power your intelligence… #WORD

— Nile ranger (@NilePowerRanger) September 20, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Were your emotions overpowering you when you split the compound ‘overpower’ into its two constituent root words?

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Nico Yennaris

The young Arsenal midfielder retweeted this offering from one City Boy…

I Aint Affraid To Admit I’ve Made Mistakes & Wrong Decisions

— City Boy(@TRIS_GMD) September 21, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Well, then you won’t mind writing out “I’m not afraid” a hundred times.

Don’t Like People Who Live Life Pretendin To Be Pefect You Fake

— City Boy(@TRIS_GMD) September 21, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Nobody’s pefect, Nico; but that’s because ‘pefect’ isn’t a word.

Make that two hundred lines.

Justin Hoyte and Phil Neville

The Middlesbrough full-back was indulging in a spot of banter with Birmingham City centre-back Curtis Davies, ditto Everton captain Phil Neville with Sky Sports presenter David Jones…

@thecurtisdavies lol, na man just didn’t have time for a trim before the game or I would of had my low cut scissors with deep waves look

— Justin Hoyte (@justinhoyte84) September 21, 2012

“@davidjonessky: very good today Phillip, impressed.”Thanks Dave score should of been 7-3!!!!

— phil neville18 (@fizzer18) September 22, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Would have, should have. Please see me after the lesson along with Cameron and Joshua, and we shall collectively devise an educational group activity that would set you all on the right path.

Daniel Pacheco

The Liverpool youngster was being thoroughly incomprehensible…

Tomorrow why I asked : what is this ? Hahaha

— Daniel Pacheco(@dani37pacheco) September 21, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I may have no idea what you’re talking about here, Daniel, but I must take you to task on it all the same. You’ve been in England long enough now not to be constructing clauses like “tomorrow why I asked”, for which I cannot muster even the kind of disingenuously unlikely scenario with which I seek to highlight grammatical inadequacies.

You have defeated me, Daniel.

Good night everyone ! Haha I haven’t seen the programe. I will watch it tomorrow but I knew what a baseball is, so will explain when I see

— Daniel Pacheco(@dani37pacheco) September 21, 2012

See me.

Gaizka Mendieta

The former Valencia, Barcelona and Middlesbrough midfielder was thrilled by Boro’s 2-1 win at Championship pace-setters Blackburn Rovers…

And that was in fact, a well deserved,first away victory for @boro … great game guys!! #keepitup

— Gaizka Mendieta (@GaizkaMendieta6) September 21, 2012

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This presents an interesting quandary: must one consider ‘well-deserved’ (as it should be) and ‘first’ as adjectives, and thus to be presented as a list with the insertion of a comma, or is ‘first’ assimilated into the noun position alongside ‘victory’ much as ‘away’ has been? To my academic mind, there are two permissible constructions:

That was in fact a well-deserved first away victory.

Or…

That was in fact a well-deserved, first, away victory.

…all of which does not account for Gaizka’s errant first apostrophe, which would only be activated by emphasising ‘in fact’ in the following manner…

That was, in fact, a well-deserved first away victory.

Or indeed…

That was, in fact, a well-deserved, first, away victory.

Gaizka, as you failed to deploy one of the four permissible constructions, you get this week’s wearer of the dunce hat. Conversely, this week’s star pupil is Bolton Wanderers striker Marvin Sordell…

“@elishawarburton: Why is Friday tv so shockingly bad :(” read a book lol

— Marvin Sordell (@MarvinSordell) September 21, 2012

Gold star, Marvin!

Right, now I must take my leave; Sunday’s trip to my former club Liverpool looms large on the horizon, and I determined to make the eighteen-man squad. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!