“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…
…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!
Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. I’ve got some great material for you lot tonight, from homoerotic innuendo…
Yaya toure takes some stopping when he opens them legs up!! #powerhouse … Still fancying city… Harty on fire & Maicon will sleep well!
— Lee cattermole (@cattermole_lee) September 18, 2012
…to schizophrenia…
Bom dia a todos.Good morning to all
— GilbertoSilva 3 (@GilbertoSilva15) September 19, 2012
…through first world problems…
Oh no! New bottle of merlot is wrong temperature…
— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) September 18, 2012
…even taking in anatine necrophilia – but more on that one later. How about that Cattermole, eh? He always gets a bit frisky when he’s been at the whiskey.
Costa coffee for the drive home… #teachersbreath
— Lee cattermole (@cattermole_lee) September 19, 2012
Eh, Lee lad – you’re going to get your lengthiest ban to date if you’re not careful!
Er…you know, folks – it’s a reference to the fact that Lee picks up more cards than a street cleaner tidying up after a tramps’ Christmas party!
Yeah, you like that one, don’t you, you callous blighters? Now, did you see that…oi, who’s talking at the back?
At Michael McIntyre absolute class can’t stop laughing!!!
— Graham Dorrans (@Grahamdorrans17) September 22, 2012
I’ve told you before, Dorrans, I’m not Michael sodding McIntyre. How many sides has he got promoted from the Championship? Deary me. You’ve been ignorant, disrespectful and out of order there.
Barthez was ignorant, disrespectful and out of order to mention my name.
— bradley h friedel (@friedel_b) September 21, 2012
Yes he was, “Bradley” – you tell ’em. Or should I say “Hugo, girl!”?
Thank you, thank you. I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, there’s no rhyme nor reason with some folk. As opposed to Cockney rhyming slang, that is, which has both rhyme and reason.
Really need to get curtains n blinds in this new house! Current bun is waking me up at 6 bells every morning! #schoolboy
— jay mceveley (@jaymcev03) September 19, 2012
Eh, Jay lad – what’s Cockney rhyming slang for “pretentious Scouser”?
Thank you, too kind. You know, patois is a bit of a theme this week – check out this curiously articulated instance of shoe lust from Sunderland goal machine Steven Fletcher…
These trainers are #sick want a pair! twitter.com/stevenfletch10…
— steven fletcher (@stevenfletch10) September 21, 2012
Eh, Steven lad – is it because they’re sick that they’re all green?
Did any 1 just see that in the sky :/
— ravelmorrison23 (@morrisonravel) September 21, 2012
‘Ere, Ravel lad – was it Papiss Cisse’s penalty?
Thank you, thank you.
Please tell me I’m not crazy and somebody in liverpool just seen what I just seen the sky ?
— Nathan Eccleston(@NathanEccleston) September 21, 2012
I see what happened here – a Liverpool fan said they’d qualify for the Champions League and what you saw was a pig flying!
Wtf I’m not joking that s*#! Wasn’t a shooting star nor plane people saying they’ve seen it in manc blkpool n’cstle plz dnt fck wid me :/
— Nathan Eccleston(@NathanEccleston) September 21, 2012
Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool and Newcastle? Maybe all the permatans created an aurora effect!
You might say it gives a new meaning to the phrase ‘northern lights’!
Er…yeah.
Watching tiger is making me feel sooooo much better…. Cos at the minute he’s all over the gaff
— jermaine pennant (@j_pennant) September 21, 2012
‘Ere, Jermaine – knowing what he’s like, you’d best check he’s not at your gaff when you’re off on away trips!
@thecurtisdavies hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahahahahahahaha, u joker
— Justin Hoyte (@justinhoyte84) September 21, 2012
Thanks, Justin lad. Does anyone have any questions about how much better a comedian I am than other members of the football community?
Why does Lawro keep cracking crappy jokes? #MOTD
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) September 22, 2012
He just hasn’t worked hard enough on his material, and his timing is all over the place.
That wasn’t meant to be a gag, ladies and gents. There’s no need for the tumbleweed.
Thank you, thank you. To end with, I bring you a selection of footballers’ tweets that truly reflect my own personal views of The X-Factor. Take it away, footballers…
They should re-name it X rated my ears feel like they have just been mugged
— Steve Froggatt (@SteveFroggy) September 22, 2012
Seriously I’ve just walked indoors and all I can hear is crap singing!! And it’s only this x factor crap,can’t stand the prog..#predictable
— Don Hutchison (@donhutch4) September 22, 2012
#Xfactor ‘I had a little whiskey this morning for my voice’ hahaha #soundedlikeyoudhadthefullbottle
— Richard chaplow (@Rchap04) September 22, 2012
Boobing hell #x
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) September 22, 2012
@hucks6dh6: Louis is gutted all these girls are going through #x
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) September 22, 2012
Eh, Darren lad – what are you insinuating?
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen – you’ve been wonderful!