Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Franny Lee
The former Manchester City player and chairman was suspicious of an ex-teammate’s intentions…
@rodneymarsh10 are you sure Rodders or are you just beingcontraversionally smarmy!!!lol
— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) November 7, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… “Contraversionally”, Francis? I’d expect better from an elder statesman such as yourself. In fact, go and sit on the other side of the classroom; I’ve had quite enough of you and Rodney constantly distracting each other.
Honestly, you’re almost in your seventies now, Franny. What would Joe Mercer have said?
Steve Sidwell
The Fulham midfielder was being responsible…
@srslade pulled over and put hazard lights on to let other vehicles know I may of been using a cellular #highwaycode
— Steve Sidwell (@sjsidwell) November 6, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… It was right of you to have done that, Steven, but I’m afraid I must shine my educator’s hazard lights over your incorrect attempt at deploying a modal verb construction.
This particular area of uncertainty seems to crop up every week, and I fear that before long I will have given up trying to put you straight on the matter.
Danny Graham
The Swansea City striker was hitting back at a teammate’s taunts…
“@ashwills84 @dannygraham10 Haha get yourself back in the team mate!How does the subs bench feel lad?”Your 1 back pass away from joining me
— Danny Graham (@DannyGraham10) November 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… As long as you’re not starting games, Daniel, you’re free to work on your ability to distinguish between a possessive adjective and a simple contraction.
Good luck in your dual quests for first team football and adequate grammar.
Fabrice Muamba
Hope everyone have a great day. Keep smiling :-). I still standing is out now . Thanks for the support.
— fabrice muamba (@fmuamba) November 6, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Congratulations upon the release of your book, Fabrice – I gather it’s a riveting read – but I would advise you to get the title right if you’re to advertise it to best effect.
Furthermore, ‘everyone’ is somewhat counter-intuitively treated as a singular, insomuch as it refers to every person on an individual basis rather than all of them at once, as a collective plural. This may be confusing, but mastery of the mother tongue requires one to keep an open mind at every turn.
Lucas Leiva
The Liverpool midfielder was expressing sympathy for Chelsea’s John Terry…
Hopefully isn’t to bad as it is never nice to see a player coming off because of injury .
— Lucas Leiva (@LucasLeiva87) November 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You’re correct in your assertion, Lucas, but incorrect in your use of basic homonyms. It shouldn’t prove too difficult to distinguish between two such simple words.
See me.
Darren Huckerby
The former Norwich City forward was in playful mood…
Think my youngest lad is unhappy he’s got flea’s #NoScratching twitter.com/hucks6dh6/stat…
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) November 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Are you trying to say that the neck wear on show belongs to Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea, Darren? Because that’s how it reads.
If you’re uncertain about when and where to use an apostrophe, please come and ask me about it rather than simply guess. Grammatical ‘hit and hope’ is most unbecoming when it results in a metaphorical loss of possession, which funnily enough is precisely what must happen with “flea’s”.
See me.
Andy Ansah
The former Southend United midfielder was squeezing yet more juice out of his now-ubiquitous catchphrase…
Not many can say they possess the kind of #Tekkers that @cristiano displayed today on set.#UnbelievableTekkers.
— Andy Ansah Tekkers (@MrAndyAnsah) November 7, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… As prized as your “unbelievable tekkers” catchphrase appears to be by the general populace, Andy, it is somewhat undermined by its inherent lack of flexibility. If not many can say they possess Ronaldo’s level of ability, shouldn’t your expressed level of “tekkers” be greater than the “unbelievable” you use so freely, apparently devoid of discernment?
Alternatively, might I suggest you reserve “unbelievable” for such rare talents, and find something less hyperbolic for your everyday use. “Decent tekkers”, perhaps? Any which way, redefine the parameters, Andy!
This may not be a matter of grammar per se, but pedantry waters all of life’s fields.
Jon Nolan
The Stockport County youngster had a message for the ladies…
If you are a girl and you take your shoes off in town, you are not a girl, you are a animal.
— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) November 8, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I take a similarly dim view of people who use an incorrect indefinite article, young Jonathan.
See me.
Jamie Oliver is a bell though. Hated him since about year 9, the day are school put raisins in the cookies instead of chocolate.
— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) November 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I daresay that your inability to distinguish between ‘our’ and ‘are’ is a far more damning indictment on your school than the raisin cookies, Jonathan.
As I said before: see me.
Jamie O’Hara
The Wolverhampton Wanderers midfielder had had enough of the trolls…
U do get some knobs on twitter don’t u, just makes me think what type of person follows u just to right bad stuff, they must have a bad life
— Jamie o’hara (@mrjamieohara) November 7, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Homonyms, my dear teammate! ‘Write’ is right in this instance, as it were.
Sorry write, hate it when people correct ur spelling seriously could u please tell me what ur doing right now that makes u want to do that
— Jamie o’hara (@mrjamieohara) November 7, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… It is not about what I’m doing right now, Jamie; improving academic standards amongst my fellow professional footballers is my life’s work.
You would do well to take a leaf out of Vincent Kompany’s book…
Another day, another chance to be the best at what you do. :-)
— Vincent Kompany (@VincentKompany) November 7, 2012
This is precisely the attitude I’d like to see you adopt from now on, Jamie; we must be on the same wavelength if we are to dovetail more effectively in Wolverhampton Wanderers’ midfield.
Now I must take my leave, for there is much work to do if I am to avoid once again being substituted before the hour mark. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!