Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner

Neil Warnock

Hello, folks! So, who’s going to get the Tottenham Hotspur job? Andre Villas-Boas? David Moyes? One thing’s for sure – Benoît Assou-Ekotto hasn’t got a scooby…

Who is the manager pls? LOL

— Benoit Assou-Ekotto (@AssouEkotto) July 2, 2012

If you’re referring to the Publishers Licensing Society, I couldn’t tell you, Benoît lad. If you’re referring to Spurs…wait for it…

…it’s me!

Ha! Ha! Only pulling your collective leg, White Hart Lane faithful. Honestly, Villas-Boas is all done and dusted, this joke doesn’t even work any more. Must fire those writers, they’re really holding me back.

Now then, the other question that’s been on everyone’s mind: will Scottish centre-forward Steven Fletcher still be a Wolverhampton Wanderers player next season? Let’s have it straight from the horse’s…er, fingertips…

I ain’t put no transfer request in only request I put in just now was for a side of fries with my chicken wrap at the pool #sisu #marbs

— steven fletcher (@stevenfletch10) July 2, 2012

Who was serving you? Mick McCarthy?

Okay, okay. Jeez. Didn’t realise Big Mick was so popular with you guys. I’m sure he’ll find another job eventually. In the meantime, he could do with getting stuck into a good book. Any recommendations, Sunderland defender Titus Bramble?

Just about to start 50 shades of grey. Let’s see what all the fuss is about.

— titus bramble (@19tmb) July 1, 2012

You can come up with your own punchline for this one, folks!

Good grief, you lot don’t half love the audience participation aspects of my performance style! You were booing me only a minute ago. Don’t worry, though – Queens Park Rangers oddball Joey Barton has you beat hands down for fickleness…

Seems to me that having quite a sick fanny head haircut is the way forward. If it makes u as cool as Federer and Pirlo I’m in…

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) July 6, 2012

Sick fanny, eh? That reminds me of when the wife had some ulceration on her vulva.

Hang on, folks, I haven’t got to the punchline yet. So anyway, the wife’s vulva was…

Do you just find it funny when I say vulva? Is that all you want me to do? Is that what this is going to be reduced to?

Fine. Vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, VULVA.

I don’t understand you lot, I really don’t. Now, I wonder if Gary Lineker’s having a nice holiday…

Things not going well. Large floater in pool has led to closure. With my past history i fear being made prime suspect

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) July 9, 2012

Crap in the pool, eh? Was it Stewart Downing?

Er…you know – Liverpool. Get it?

Blimey, where did that come from? Anyway, it’s time to bring you this week’s funniest player – namely former Charlton Athletic striker Tosan Popo…

Arsenal still have Chamkah, Bendtner and Gervinho to choose from up front, what’s all this noise about #RVP for? #TitleContenders

— Tosan Popo? (@tosan26) July 4, 2012

Thought you’d like that one, folks!

You know, people know me for my comedy but every now and then I like to tackle a serious issue or two. Perhaps Everton youngster Jon Nolan could explain better than I…

I’d happily, HAPPILY, boot piers morgan in the face over and over again. And if he cried i wouldn’t even stop.

— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) July 4, 2012

You see, every day there are approximately seven billion people NOT booting Piers Morgan in the face over and over again until he cries. This simply must be stopped. Give a hoot, folks. Give Piers Morgan a boot in the face.

You’ve been wonderful, folks. I best be off to talk to the police about inciting violence. Goodnight!