Football Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Arsenal midfielder was thrilled with the Gunners’ progression into the next round of the Champions League…
Gran victoria y clasificados!!! Great win and qualify!! Well done boys!! twitter.com/m8arteta/statu…
— Mikel Arteta (@m8arteta) November 21, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Congratulations on your professional success, Mikel, but I must call you up on your failure to correctly infer the act of qualifying with your deployment of the verb ‘qualify’ as a noun. While it is something of a modern trend for a noun to be converted into a verb (eg. google, glass), it is unusual if not unheard of for a verb to be converted into a noun.
The exception to this rule is past participles, of which many have slipped through the net: dressing, icing, potting, fencing, caving and paving, to name but six.
The Wolverhampton Wanderers defender was feeling inspired…
To dark to play footy outside so a quick art lesson inside with my boys.lockerz.com/s/262967774
— Jody Craddock (@MrJodyCraddock) November 20, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That’s a nice Darth Vader you’ve drawn there, my dear team mate, but unfortunately for you this is language class.
“To (sic) dark to play footy outside” reads, all for a misapplied homonym, as if you are announcing your prompt exit to the dark outside. Or should I say: the dark side. Chortle!
My good humour owes to the fact that I have become quite fond of you in my short time at Molineux thus far, Jody; otherwise I would be quite cross and mightn’t have permitted myself that lapse into tomfoolery.
Come and see me in training tomorrow if any confusion persists.
The Arsenal starlet was inviting questions from his followers…
I’m doing my first twitter Q&A at 8pm tonight, make sure your online!
—Alex Ox-Chamberlain (@Alex_OxChambo) November 20, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… My question for you is this: can I rely on you to take more care with basic homonyms in future?
You’re in for a shock if your application in this area does not improve, young Alex.
You should count yourself lucky, by the way; you’d have received a caning for that in days of yore.
A yaw rotation is a movement around the yaw axis of a vehicle that changes the direction the vehicle is facing, to the left or right of its direction of motion.
I trust that this was comprehensive. Remember: your indicates the possessive, whereas you’re is the commonly used contraction of ‘you are’.
The Newcastle United striker was indulging in the beloved sportsman’s pursuit of motivational sloganeering…
You can pay for school but you can’t buy class…. He who want to understand will understand..!
— Demba Ba (@dembabafoot) November 21, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… In that case, can I persuade you to understand that the third person present form of ‘want’ is ‘wants’?
Now I must take my leave, for the pursuit of knowledge is an insatiable mistress. Class dismissed!