Why Alan Pardew should be the next England manager

Why Alan Pardew should be the next England manager.
Pardew... Humble (Image courtesy of Parka81)

Well, why the bloody hell not? After all, ‘flavour of the month’ managers are habitually touted for all manner of lofty positions – Roberto Di Matteo for Arsenal, Gus Poyet for Brazil, Owen Coyle for Archbishop of Canterbury – so why should Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew not be thrust by an hysterical media towards the number one footballing job in England (excluding Manchester United manager, Manchester City manager, Chelsea manager and Sky Sports News afternoon presenter)?

Having established an outlandish, tenuously-reasoned opinion, this is the part of the article which tradition dictates should include some form of idly cobbled together historical background pertaining to the person or persons central to the argument. This often goes on for a couple of paragraphs or so and, in this particularly instance, would almost certainly require mention of Pardew leading West Ham United to the brink of unlikely FA Cup success in 2006, a dream scenario pummelled asunder by Steven Gerrard’s spectacularly tw*tted late piledriver.

Such an overview of career highs and lows would also do well to mention leading Southampton to the Football League Trophy in 2010, his subsequent dismissal from the Saints amidst seedy rumour-mongering as to the reason why, and his still scarcely-believable appointment at St James’ Park as an instantaneous replacement for the doing-just-fine-thank-you-very-much Chris Hughton.

Alan Pardew must be the next England manager
Pardew... Pride (Image courtesy of Parka81)

After securing a comfortable upper-mid-table finish last season – precisely where Hughton left them, mind – the Magpies are now flying high in 4th off the back of an unbeaten start to the season which, frankly, no-one saw coming. And, having guided you lovingly into the present day, Football Burp may now resume arguing for something seemingly daft as a desperate grasp for your attention, however hate-fuelled it may prove to be.

Yeah, so, Pardew for England, right? After all, here he has Newcastle on the brink of Champions League football after just eight games – okay, they still have thirty games and ninety points to play for but the manner of their unbeaten start should be unbridled cause for optimism. Make no mistake: they have not been riding their luck. They have been controlling games, playing good football and running their nads off until the final whistle. And, what’s more, in Leon Best and Djemba Ba they have arguably the finest front two currently operating in world football.

Who offered Best a route back into the first team? Alan Pardew. Who signed Ba, Gabriel Obertan and the hugely-influential-thus-far Yohan Cabaye? Alan Pardew. Who has overseen a dramatic upturn in form from Jonas Gutierrez? Alan Pardew. Who has successfully managed to accommodate two guys with the surname Taylor into a top Premier League side? Why, that would be Alan Pardew, of course.

And who’s the cat who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about? Alan Pardew! Right on.

He’s a complicated man whom no-one understood but his woman. That is, until today, whereupon Football Burp has finally reached a satisfying conclusion to our lifelong attempts to make sense of Alan Pardew and the web of intrigue he spins so deftly in his wake. Sky Sports News may claim to understand, but only Burp (and Mrs Pardew, to be fair) truly understands that Alan Pardew is not in fact human but an ethereal demi-deity whose true awesomeness, previously only hinted at, can only be truly unleashed by the presence around him of John Carver, Steve Stone and Peter Beardsley each flashing the Super Magic Pardew Rings entrusted to them by some space warlock or other.

To put it another way, if Newcastle win at home to Wigan Athletic on Saturday then Capello should be dismissed no matter what the cost and be instantaneously replaced by Alan Pardew. If you don’t agree then, whatever, f*** you.