It was the Mikel Arteta red card that divided a nation – a nation at war the moment the Arsenal midfielder so brutally scythed down Marouane Chamakh in Chris Foy’s mind.

Some maintained that the Crystal Palace marksman was the last man. Others argued that he could by no means be construed as a “goal-scoring threat”.

Others still pointed out that, if anything, it was he who fouled Arteta.

Last

“Ah,” protested the first segment, “but he was the last man.”

Yeah, the last man in a list of Europe’s best strikers. Chortle!

But seriously folks, Chamakh is so relentlessly ineffective that he hasn’t even scored in training for three weeks, including one-on-one sessions with goalkeepers, penalty practice and one-yard-out open goal shot bonus rounds.

Several good sources have confirmed this – close sources, strong sources, sources you could hang all kinds of hats on.

Worse

It gets worse – Chamakh hasn’t even scored on FIFA during this period, and he plays loads of FIFA.

He routinely stays up for anything up to an hour past Arsène Wenger’s suggested bedtime of 19:30, often while playing as Barcelona against some Championship team operated by Emmanuel Frimpong.

Post

He had a dream where he hit the post, and on one occasion he could count himself unfortunate to be ruled to have sliced it just over the invisible crossbar while having a garden kick-about with young relatives.

Where were we? Oh yeah, and that’s why Arteta looks like a drowned Disney prince.

Wait, which one’s Arteta again?

How was your life affected by the Mikel Arteta red card? Have your say in the comments thing down there…