Under-fire Blackburn Rovers manager Steve Kean has described as “im-f**king-possible” the notion of getting even remotely tipsy on Budweiser without using at least two whole measures of purest ethanol as a mixer.
The Scottish man was on Monday handed an eighteen-month driving ban and a fine of £1,800 – over half of Rovers’ remaining transfer budget – for a drink driving conviction dating back to the final day of last season, when a 1-1 draw with Manchester United at Ewood Park saw him and Sir Alex Ferguson crack open a celebratory bottle of red after the game.
Kean told Macclesfield Magistrates’ Court that he then stopped in at a local pub on his way home, an action which District Judge Nicholas Sanders took to be the final nail in his breathalyser-shaped coffin.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Kean stood by his assertion that his bottle of the American-style lager must have been spiked by some scallie while he left it unattended to pose for photographs, dominate the pool table and sign young ladies’ breasts.
He said: “As the joke says, why is Budweiser just like sex on the beach?”
He continued: “I’ll tell you why – it’s because they’re both f**king close to water. Have you ever drunk the stuff? You could take it on a week-long bender and all you’d get is a bladder full of that kind of pale piss that smells faintly like chlorine.
“I was only drinking it to sober up, having spent an hour with Sir Alex lavishly topping up my wine glass and saying, ‘So Steve, tell me again about how much you think Phil Jones is worth in today’s market…’
“Come to think of it, he spent a good few minutes sniffing our respective wine glasses and switching them around with a pensive look on his face. That’s what makes Sir Alex so great – he is just so thorough and meticulous. Very, very meticulous. Do you see?”
He continued: “On a completely unrelated note, when I was leaving the room I couldn’t help but notice him whispering ‘the eagle has flown the nest, Sam’ into his BlackBerry over and over. I’m sure it was nothing. After all, Sir Alex is a man of integrity who likes to look after his own. For example, he’s always looked out for former charges such as Paul Ince and Mark Hughes. Do you see?
“Let’s not forget Roy Keane, who I imagine would be listed immediately after myself in any alphabetised directory of attainable managers for Blackburn Rovers. But, like I said, I’m sure nothing untoward was going on there, especially if Sir Alex happens to come across these quotes.
“All of which points towards my unattended bottle of Budweiser. I think I’m quite popular with the Ewood Park faithful – they’re always slapping my bald head for good luck, chanting “go, Kean!” and making cheerful wisecracks about my signing of David Goodwillie – so I’m sure they won’t mind if I very publicly infer that one of them must have laced my drink out of sheer, cold-hearted malevolence.
“Any which way, it’s clear for all to see that I am very much the victim in all of this.”
When asked if the manager’s job was now untenable, a Venky’s spokesperson said: “Steve Kean is not going anywhere.
“How could he? He’s not allowed to drive his car!
“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
The spokesperson added: “But seriously, b*ll***s to Judge Sanders and b*ll***s to his secret recipe.”