A starting XI of hostile intergalactic soccer gods has landed on Earth demanding to play West Ham United, it has been confirmed.
The alien beings, footballing nonpareils from the Dragonfish nebula, have reportedly declared their interest in mining our planet for resources, but since they’re such ripping good sports they’ll let the outcome hinge on a 90-minute bout with Slaven Bilić’s in-form Hammers.
First-half goals from Victor Moses and Diafra Sakho brought West Ham all 3 points away to table-toppers Manchester City on Saturday, following swiftly on from similarly eye-catching wins at Arsenal and Liverpool.
It’s a hat-trick of away wins unprecedented in Premier League history, and it’s apparently sufficient for a starting XI of hostile intergalactic soccer gods to land on Earth demanding to play you.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Blorx the Destructor emphasised the importance of what is already being described as “a Space Jam style showdown”.
It said: “Just to reiterate, if the earthlings [West Ham] lose then we will immediately begin stripping your planet of all its natural resources, at a rate greater still than you are doing yourselves.
“Can’t say fairer than that, really.”
Blorx declined to comment on rumours that the intergalactic soccer gods XI is to be made up of ringers from Leicester City and Bournemouth.