West Ham United have been given the green light on plans to convert Andy Carroll into a 54,000 all-seater stadium, it has been noted.

Carroll, not as effeminate as his name or haircut would have you believe, will be designed to Uefa’s category four eligibility, the highest standard for European football stadia.

The Hammers will also install a number of pre-vandalised hospitality suites as well as construct a new ticket office and club store to be located on the concourse of Sam Allardyce’s Y-fronts, pending the successful completion of a hundred-priest-strong exorcism and a year-long fumigation process.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the Irons’ vice-chairperson Karren Brady confirmed that the club expects to move into Andy Carroll sometime around 2016, the only anticipated stumbling block being the possibility of Carroll’s £100,000-a-week wages enabling him to follow through with his plans of eventually buying the club and converting it into a casino.

She said: “We always knew that the innovative plans for Andy Carroll could create a globally-recognised football stadium and we were confident that planning permission would be granted to allow us to commence hacking him into some kind of oval shape.

“All that’s left now is for Boris Johnson to mumble his accordance before the transformation can begin later this year. This is an incredible opportunity to create a world-class stadium for West Ham supporters to fight people in and around, including a designated Millwall suite in the likely event of our calamitous relegation.

“This is a proud day for the Hammers – or, if you actually support the club, the Irons.”

Sam Allardyce was unavailable for comment as he was busy having his genitals sprayed with gaseous pesticides.

He said: “It tickles like a ****ing *******, but I wouldn’t kick it out of bed for guffing.”

Hmm, turns out he was available for comment after all.

Incidentally, here are ten things that cost the same as Andy Carroll.