Joe Kinnear appointment so bizarre it merits second story

Wimbledon at Plough Lane
Back to the good old days (Image: Steve Daniels)

Newcastle United’s appointment of Joe Kinnear as director of football is so bizarre that it merits a second consecutive news story, the world has confirmed.

In the absence of anything else happening, at all, except that Confederations Cup thing, human beings on Earth have been all atwitter with incredulous dialogue pertaining to the Magpies’ decision to welcome back someone who’s such a football dinosaur that he once managed a team that doesn’t even exist anymore.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the Toon Army faithful, shirtless, expressed their disapproval at the club’s latest transparent attempt to wind them up into a spluttering Sky Sports News wet dream of a frenzy.

They chorused: “First they sack Bobby Robson for no apparent reason. Then they replace him with Graeme Souness. Then they replace Graeme Souness with Glenn Roeder. Then they replace Glenn Roeder with Sam Allardyce.

“Then they bring Kevin Keegan back from being chryogenically frozen. Ditto Joe Kinnear, who they actually found mounted on a mammoth after taking to a large block of ice with a hairdryer.

“Then they appoint a Match of the Day pundit to take us down. Then they ask Dennis Wise to conduct all our transfer business. Then they change the name of the stadium to the F*** the Lot of You Arena.

“Then they sacked Chris Hughton and replaced him with Alan Pardew. Alan Pardew. ALAN PARDEW.”

They added, huddled and shivering: “Alan Pardew…Alan Pardew…Alan Pardew…”

Speaking exclusively to anyone within an eighty-mile radius, Kinnear defiantly called everyone a **** and emptied a string bag of footballs onto the ground in front of him.

He said: “****ing hit it long to Deano and Fash, alright you ****s?

“****ing stick it in the ****ing mixer and **** the **** out of **** **** and ****ing ****.

“Vinnie will take care of the rest.”