Arsenal’s seven-year trophy drought under Arsene Wenger is no longer satirisable by mere humans, according to a decoded message from the Virgo Supercluster.
The Frenchman, embattled, has once again come in for widespread ridicule after Saturday’s 2-0 FA Cup defeat at Sunderland all but condemned the Gunners to a seventh consecutive trophyless season, with not one but two Football Burp news stories proving particularly pointless.
Speaking via digitised data picked up by NSA’s resident cryptologists, the Virgo Supercluster, one of millions of superclusters in the observable universe, finally broke its silence to denounce the latest wave of Wenger spoofs as “even more tedious than the last one”.
A spokesthing said: “We may be nebulous beings from over a hundred million light years away, but this annual recycling of the same tired old Wenger gags has had us all flicking our blorxes, which is basically the Virgo Supercluster equivalent of rolling your eyes and tutting.
“It is now very clear to us that lampooning Wenger can no longer be entrusted to the tiny minds of humans, and we propose instead that this duty lie with Benevolent Overlord Skwarp VC278904 from the Canes Venatici Cloud, for it was he that created the comedy roast in an age so long ago as to be beyond your Earthly comprehension. Seriously, he’s one funny klerpsnuzzor.
“If you do not cease and desist from posting self-consciously ‘whacky’ student fodder posing as satire then we shall be forced to consider a hostile takeover of your planet – and believe me, seven years without a trophy will seem like a stroll in the vlormlulotex compared to an eternity of hard labour at the hands of an alien super race.”
It added: “Some of your recent Harry Redknapp stuff was quite funny, to be fair.”