UEFA have announced new league and club coefficients based on quality and competitiveness in order to ensure fair draws for the Champions League group stage in 2018-19.

The coefficients are used to determine seedings and ensure balanced group stages. The fact that this prevents teams with lucratively large fan bases being knocked out too early is irrelevant, according to UEFA.

After a review of the competitiveness of the Scottish Premier League, UEFA have made the decision to downgrade its ranking.

It now ranks below “a parent having a kickabout with their three-year-old in the garden” but remains above “husband arguing with his wife”.

This will mean that Scottish clubs will now have to start in the earliest qualifying rounds of the Champions League playing against obscure teams from San Marino, the Faroe Islands and whoever Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is loaned to next season.

A UEFA spokesperson commented: “It’s not disrespectful. Children grow up very quickly.

“My two-year-old nutmegged me in the front room in front of my whole family last summer. So it can happen.

“I am sure his new foster parents will support his football career. The little s**t.”