Chelsea captain John Terry and Queens Park Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand will each be fined a month’s wages after an FA inquiry ruled that they are both “****s”.

Investigating claims made against Terry that he had racially insulted Ferdinand during last week’s west London derby at Loftus Road, FA officials decided that the only fair way to handle the situation would be to charge the players on separate counts of “losing his cool” and “filming himself doing the Soulja Boy ‘crank’ with Nigel Reo-Coker”.

A spokesperson for the FA said: “We weren’t totally comfortable with the idea of hanging England star John Terry out to dry, so we instructed our media lapdogs to dig up some dirt on Anton for good measure.

“He didn’t have to look too far in the end. What was Anton thinking? And what does he mean by ‘cranking it out here’? Should I inform the police?”

He added: “He’s not going to set fire to Greggs, is he?”