In a shock twist, Match of the Day sensation Alan Shearer has spoken out against match-fixing.
The comedian, 43, made it absolutely clear that fixing matches of any kind, whether they be football ones or frictional heat-generating little wooden ones, should be stamped out as swiftly and authoritatively as he once stamped out Neil Lennon’s head.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Shearer was keen to stress the importance of not doing the match-fixing thing lest his radical new zero tolerance policy declare a fatwa against you.
He told BBC Radio 5 Live: “Why did you put that I’m speaking exclusively to you when I’m actually speaking exclusively to BBC Radio 5 Live?
“See, this is exactly the kind of underhanded activity we need to be elbowing in the rib cage then shouting at to get up.
“If the authorities don’t add this to the ‘zero’ category of their tolerance policy then I’d like to put myself forward as an administerer of summary justice.
“Failing that, I think a strike should be called. Strike all the matches – there, I said it.
“We need to bring match-fixers to light.”
He added: “No. Why? What does metaphor mean?”