“The secret of my greatness was being rubbish on purpose,” says ex-ref Clattenburg

Elaborates on own genius with flourish of self-regard.

Former Premier League referee Mark Clattenburg
CLOUT: Clattenburg (Image: Biser Todorov)

Former Premier League referee Mark Clattenburg has opened up about the secret of his greatness – being rubbish on purpose.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Clattenburg explained his genius with a magnificent flourish of self-regard.

He declared: “Remember when Leicester City won the Premier League?

“No, of course you don’t. In fact you’ll be thinking to yourself, ‘Don’t you mean when Tottenham Hotspur lost the league?’

“You’d be absolutely correct to identify that as the primary narrative of the 2015-16 season, but you may not be aware of the fact that it was entirely of my own doing.

“I could – nay, should – have sent off half their team during that fateful 2-2 draw at Chelsea. However, I masterfully refrained from doing so.

“This had the ingenious effect of not making the occasion seem like it was not all about me, when it absolutely was all about me.

“Do you see? By neglecting to apply the rules – you might call this being rubbish, even a dereliction of duty, but I call it brilliance – I led you all by the hand through a magnificent fantasia of football.

“When you inevitably build a statue in my honour, just please don’t hire the guy who did Ronaldo’s.