An NFL policy dubbed ‘the Rooney Rule’ will henceforth refer to Wayne Rooney’s mandatory first-team presence, we can reveal.
Requiring NFL teams to interview minority candidates for top jobs, the old Rooney Rule has been cited as an example of affirmative action.
Requiring Wayne Rooney to start every single game regardless of form, the new Rooney Rule has been cited as a contractual horror show.
The Man Utd and England captain again looked a shadow of his former himself in the 2-1 Community Shield win over Leicester.
So shadowy was his portrayal of his former self, in fact, that it provided surf-rock backing for Cliff Richard.
When negotiating his last deal, Rooney’s representatives contacted the NFL to bid for the patent of their client’s rule namesake.
After an agreement that America had bigger racial tensions to deal with right now, the trademark was handed over in an official act of diplomacy.
In return, United players will have to keep plugging Hollywood blockbusters on Twitter every few seconds.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mike, a Red Devils supporter from Salford, couldn’t hide his despair at the shock revelation.
He said: “Actually it’s not a shock, it’s the most logical explanation.
“Sociological issues aside, I’m absolutely delighted to see the Rooney Rule cross the pond.
“Now I’ll be able to say I was there when he becomes the club’s record goal-scorer in about five years’ time.
“Honestly, it’s like watching a snail finish a marathon.”