Rival West Ham supporters groups have shelved plans to beat the living daylights out of each other before this weekend’s match against Burnley and will instead contest a “dildo joust”.

The Real West Ham Fans Action Group and the West Ham United Independent Supporters’ Association have been at loggerheads over who would get to organise a march protesting the club’s lack of progress.

Members of the former group initially suggested a winner-takes-all mass brawl, which has since been negotiated down to a jousting competition using sex toys laid on by the club’s owners.

Horses for the occasion are to be provided by local police in exchange for the promise of an orderly sporting contest with no smashed windows or faces.

A spokesman for the Real West Ham Fans Action Group said: “Of course we’re all disappointed to see the leaders of Britain First get locked up, but that’s what happens when you elect a terrorist sympathiser like Sadiq Khan as mayor.

“Wait, what’s this interview about again?”