Leading Arsenal blogger Arsene Wenger has once again dipped his wick on the subject of Cesc Fabregas’ likely departure from the Emirates, describing the Gunners captain as being “torn between two loves”.

Fabregas, a Taurus, looks odds-on to leave the Gunners for boyhood club Barcelona in a move which will come as a huge shock to any Japanese holdouts living amongst Philippine island tribes who may have only just found out that World War II is over.

Writing on his Unseen Incidents and Other Musings Blogspot, Wenger said that, while he understands his Spanish captain’s attraction to the Catalan giants, he should not forget who it was that found him floating down the river in a wicker basket, took him in as a feral child and raised him as one of their own.

The Frenchman said: “He is torn between two loves – the club where he has been educated as a very young boy and the club which instigated his long-standing love of banoffee pie.

“The biggest club in near proximity to the municipality of his birth and the club that’s given him more money than he could shake a whacking great churro at.

“The reigning La Liga and Champions League holders and, lest we forget, the club whose bespoke leather dugout chairs need not accommodate his pikey ar*e when everyone is fully fit.”

Asked if there was any chance of him committing himself to the Gunners for one last season, Fabregas said: “I did that last season.”

“And the season before.”

Lt. Hiroo Onoda added: “I have to say, this is quite a surprise. I figured he’d join Clichy and Toure at Man City.”