Put that thing away, says King Kenny

Steven Gerrard
Gerrard...itching to go (Image credit: etyek)

Liverpool captain and occasional golfer Steven Gerrard is set to miss the first month of the season with what is being hailed as “a groin infection”.

The Anfield hero, who doesn’t get much time to play golf during the winter but when the weather is nice plays as much as possible, will be disappointed that the “successful” groin operation he underwent in April has turned out to be not quite as successful as he’d have liked.

Speaking after his side’s latest friendly defeat at the hands of a monkey handcuffed to a railing, Reds boss Kenny Dalglish revealed how Gerrard’s ailment has rocked Liverpool Football Club to its very foundations.

He confirmed: “Aye, it’s dead manky.

“Stevie offered tae show it me an’ ah said, ‘Och, get tae f**k laddy. I wudnae look at ye plooky bawbag if ah wuz sh*ted an yew tawd me i’wuzza pokey hat.

“But ah looked anyway. Ah never feelt so rawtten in aw mah life.

“Ah s’pose it shows what can happen when ye go bawdeep in some skanky bint’s durtbox.”

Asked at a press conference if the problem was fungal, Gerrard said: “Wasn’t he the bear out of Rainbow?”