Queens Park Rangers manager Mark Hughes has been asked for his inimitable take on a number of different transfer rumours pertaining to the struggling Loftus Road club.

Having dismissed rumours linking Joey Barton away from the club as “one of those mischief-making, Sunday morning prior to an early kick-off lead stories”, the Welshman’s gift for detailed analysis of tabloid gossip is now in demand from leading footballologists seeking to classify different types of transfer rumours in a more academic manner than has thus far been achieved.

On reports that QPR are close to agreeing a deal for Sao Paulo striker Henrique, Hughes said: “I see that as one of those well-sourced, Tuesday afternoon just after lunch stories.”

This veiled confirmation came in stark contrast to his dismissal of a £15m link with Everton midfielder Jack Rodwell as “one of those angst-riddled, Thursday evening just before Question Time stories”.

Egged on by a team of men in white coats recording his every utterance, Hughes also described a reported move for Blackburn Rovers defender Chris Samba as “one of those softly crooning, Friday teatime just before showering stories”, and rumoured interest in Fulham forward Bobby Zamora as “one of those Ziggy-era Bowie, Shrove Tuesday just before belching stories”.

Leading footballologist Kenneth Whittingham said: “We’re through the looking glass here, people.”