The English Premier League is not in fact the best league in the world, according to people from other countries.
Our league, not the best, is famous throughout the world for its unwavering belief that it clearly is the best – but the decisions of Pep Guardiola, Wesley Sneijder and Yann M’Vila to accept job offers from Germany, Turkey and Russia respectively have thrown its enormous sense of self-regard into disarray.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for Rubin Kazan declared that the club was delighted to clinch the signing of M’Vila from under the noses of QPR and Fulham, and my goodness have you seen how much money they have?
He said, in Russian: “My goodness, have you seen how much money we have?
“I am but a humble spokesperson, but I’m willing to wager that my salary would top that of the average Premier League footballer. I’m not even joking.
“Seriously, I’ll bet you, right now. Twenty grand. Okay, forty grand, come on.
“I don’t even care if I lose, it just absolutely does not matter.”
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for Galatasaray announced that the club was delighted to snatch Dutch international midfielder Sneijder from under the noses of Liverpool, and my goodness have you seen how much money Rubin Kazan have?
She said: “Time was when we were basically a retirement home for players like Harry Kewell, Lucas Neill, Johan Elmander and, further back, Dean Saunders.
“Now we’re a retirement home for a World Cup runner-up. Suck on that, English Premier League, and that bank sponsor of yours!
“For any Galatasaray fans reading this, can you please cross out the word ‘hell’ on your ‘welcome to hell’ banners and replace it with something nice for Wesley?
“We’d really appreciate that.”
Bayern Munich were not available for comment as they were too busy baking a cake for each and every one of their supporters.
How nice is that, that Bayern Munich would bake everyone a cake? Have your say in the comments section below…